


Kili the Seal

by mjeanuniverse



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: A real life seal, A satirical criticism of a blockbuster movie in a tranformative form, AU Hobbit fic, Alfurd is an x-ray tech, Balin is Dwalin's brother, Bard is an EMT, Bifur is a police officer, Bilbo and Gandalf work at the SeaSide Marine Rescue Center, Bofur is a stoned surfer, Bofur is a surfer, Bofur is still Bifur's cousin, Bombur is a baker, Brothers Dori and Nori and Ori, Gloin is a physician assistant, He and Thorin are marine biologists, He does not put up with Dwalin's nor Thorin's nonsense and mayhem, Kili is a seal, M/M, Nori and Dori are ED attendants, Not a selkie, Not something like a mermaid which can transform into human form. He is a seal., Oin is a doctor, Ori is a nurse, Saucywench said so, So is Sigrid, TIlda is an ED physician, That is not a typo, The dwarven characters are humans, The elven characters are sea lions, They come to transport Kili the seal, Thorin is doctor doolittle, Thranduil - Freeform, Thranduil will NOT be a sea lion, Totally crack AU Hobbit fic, Towelrail and Legolas are sea lions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-13
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-05-13 18:44:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 20,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5713084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mjeanuniverse/pseuds/mjeanuniverse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kili is a seal, a lonely, skinny seal. By happenstance, he encounters a species, humans, he has been warned about but has never seen up close before.  He is instantly smitten with Fili's blonde hair.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First contact

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SaucyWench](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaucyWench/gifts).



> In a comment exchange, Saucywench (who I assume is female from the name and I will henceforth refer to as a she/her in this comment) and I ( who am female) had a friendly banter back and forth regarding her awesome fic, By The Sea. I had expressed appreciation that Kili was not really a seal to which she replied that she just couldn't write something like that or at least, not seriously. Ah..well, the idea came, fully formed, kind of like Athena, into my sick and twisted mind. Here is it: a totally crack AU Hobbit fic where Kili is a seal. Dwalin, Fili, Thorin, and BIfur are humans. Tauriel and Legolas will appear later, but they are sea lions. I seem to write better in short chapters so I guess this fic will be 5-7 short chapters. I hope you and Saucywench finds it funny as that is what I am going for. I may cross the line into snarkiness from time to time. My apologies in advance.

Kili is a seal. Well, he is SUPPOSED to be a seal, anyway. He is a beautiful creature, indeed, make no mistake there. He is a stunning, sleek seal with velvet brown fur; soulful, chocolate eyes;, big, broad, front flippers; and little, tiny, yet still visible ear flaps. And this is where the problem for our hero begins, Kili is supposed to be a seal, but in fact, he looks far, far more like a sea lion and NOT like any of the other seals in any of the seven seas. The other seals, who are much rounder, with small front flippers and no visible ear flaps don’t have much to do with Kili so our hero finds himself alone more often than not, and that makes the seal very sad. 

One early evening, just as the sun is setting into the sea, Kili finds himself basking on a beach far, far away from home. Dozing on the still warm sand, he is startled awake when two incredibly loud, incredibly gangly, almost completely hairless creatures come crashing into view. One appears to be chasing the other, and both are laughing. For a moment Kili thinks to slip back into the sea for his own protection as he has never been this close to beings like this before. 

Kili’s mother had always warned him about humans. Terrible creatures she would say sadly but would never elaborate as to the reasons why she held that opinion. And Kili had never had an opportunity to form his own opinion about humans as he had never been anywhere near them. This was his chance. 

Hugging the shore so he could beat a quick retreat if necessary, Kili inches closer to the pair of humans who are now rolling around on the sand as the bigger one had caught up to the smaller one and had tackled him to the ground. Kili is nonplussed. He does not like how the bigger one is manhandling and throwing the smaller one about with such ease. 

On closer inspection, the seal realizes that the bigger human is a large, hulking specimen of his species. He has a swarthy complexion with long black hair that remarkably covers only the back and sides of his head but NOT the dome which is utterly devoid of hair. AND there are strange dark markings all over his head, his torso, both front and back, his arms and even his hands! Kili cannot see much of the smaller man aside from his coloring is the polar opposite of the other. The small human has pale, pale skin with shaggy, long hair in a shade that Kili is totally unfamiliar. The seal has never seen blonde fur before, and he is instantly bewitched by how the fair hair shimmers and shines in the fading rays of the sun. 

Kili finds himself being pulled toward the pair of humans. The large one has climbed atop of the smaller one, holding the giggling, wriggling form down under his bulk with massive arms and thick, robust thighs. Bending his bald head, the beast, as Kili has unconsciously named the larger one, nips and licks along the smaller, blonde one’s neck and jaw line. Shit! Kili thinks, he is going to EAT the little one! With no regard for his personal safety, Kili lets out his most menacing roar and charges straight for the humans. 

The beast, known to his human friends as Dwalin, turns his head at the odd barking sound and sees to his horror, sand flying as some kind of dark, furred thing seems to be hurtling in a sort of shuffling/hopping motion towards him and his thoroughly too-young-for-him lover, Fili, at a rather unsettling rate of speed!


	2. Oh, the hell you will!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili and Dwalin wrestle. THorin makes his entrance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to modify this story a tad. I changed dwalin from having been a rugby player to an American football player. Write what you know, and I know nothing about Footy hence the change.

While Kili the Seal rushes headlong towards the pair of humans, Dwalin tries to wrap his mind around what could possibly be charging at him and his partner. Dwalin has lived on this coast for many years now and often enjoys a daily long swim in the cold water, but he is damned if he has ever experienced this sort of thing before. 

The small blonde pinned under Dwalin turns his head to see what has so thoroughly captured his large lover’s attention from himself. Craning his neck, Fili can see the sand flying.

‘What is it?’ He asks, genuinely confused. 

Fili’s question snaps Dwalin out of his befuddled state of staring because if he is nothing else, he is man of action. 

‘Fuck if I know, but it’s headed this way.’ He mutters and lifts himself off of Fili. Standing to his full height, which is considerable, Dwalin waves his arms to stave off the oncoming creature. Fili sits up to get a better look at whatever is coming their way. 

Well, Kili the Seal is NOT to be denied. His agenda consists of two goals: get big baldy off and away from little blondie, check and get an up-close and personal look at little blondie’s shimmery fur/hair. 

Kili proceeds straight past Dwalin, ignoring him and his ridiculously waving arms and loud cries of protest completely and crashes directly into Fili. 

‘Ooph!’ All of the breath in Fili’s body is roughly expelled in one huge rush as Kili barrel rolls into him and lands on top of him. 

Kili uses his velvety soft muzzle and scratchy, long whiskers to nuzzle into little blondie’s hair. If Fili had any air to be able to say anything, he would have said, ‘Hey, that tickles’, but since he is at the moment devoid of any air in his lungs he cannot make any sound of any kind. 

‘Get the hell off of him!’ The beast, Dwalin roars in outrage. It is all fun and games until someone or something decides to crush one’s mate, then it is war. Having been a fair hand as linebacker in American football back in the day, Dwalin tackles the furry, but surprisingly dry creature and literally wrestles it off of Fili. 

Kili yelps and barks in surprise at the unwarranted attack on his person or in his case his body, as Dwalin tries to manhandle him off his blonde prize. Due to his considerable bulk, Kili uses Dwalin’s own momentum to continue the roll until he is resting on top of the red-faced and furious human. Kili bops the beast firmly on the nose with his muzzle. This tactic has always worked for the seal in the past with smallish sharks that had tried to take a nibble out of one of his flippers.

Dwalin is too stunned to have any reaction really . The fucking thing PUNCHED him in the nose?!

‘Hey now, none of that.’ Fili, who had regained the capacity of speech by this point, tries to intercede on Dwalin’s behalf. At the sound of little blondie’s voice, Kili swings his head towards Fili. Seeing that Fili, with his bewitching hair, is close, Kili gives a pleased half bark and shuffles off of Dwalin back towards Fili. 

‘Oh, the hell you will!’ Bellows Dwalin and grabs Kili’s small back flippers to keep him for sitting on Fili again. First the fucker crushes Fili, THEN punches him in the nose, the damn seal or sea lion must be rabid or something Dwalin figures. Then the thought occurs to him, do seals or sea lions GET rabies? 

As Dwalin’s hands grasp his back flippers, Kili roars again and spins round to deliver another solid bop on the nose, but Dwalin is ready for it this time and dodges it, delivering his own sound punch to Kili’s quite large nose. A general melee ensues after this with lots of blows given and received and a great deal of noise. 

‘What in the hell is going on?’ The deep baritone voice rumbles across the beach. Fili looks up to see his uncle, the dour Thorin Oakenshield, who also happens to be Dwalin’s neighbor and close friend, but who had up until now NOT known of Fili and Dwalin’s relationship, striding towards them. Oh shit, FIli thinks.


	3. YOU have rabies!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin tries to figure out what is going on. Dwalin voices his opinion that Kili the seal is rabid. Kili is outraged. Fili defends Kili. Kili voices his undying love from Fili. Dwalin has enough of this shit and takes things into his own hands. Literally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay. I have been criss-crossing the United States for work over the last two months, and because I hate to take my laptop with me, I have not been able to update as frequently as I would like. ( Yes, I have to write my fics in a word document and then copy them to this site. ) Well, horrors of horrors, I had misplaced the thumb drive on which I save my fics (there is NO WAY in hell I am saving any of the smut I write on my work issued laptop, thank you very much!) and I had thought I had lost it at one of these work meetings. After flailing about in angst over that thought for WEEKS, I ended up finding the damn thing right where I had THOUGHT I had put it, but I swear, it had hid itself from me so that delayed me writing as well. A short chapter, but I hope to update more often now.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shitty shit is the mantra running through Fili’s golden haired head as he sees his always stern and often grumpy uncle approaching the sandy and tousled trio on the beach with a look on his handsome face like there is a turd perched directly under his impressively regal and eagle-like nose. Oh shit, indeed. 

‘I repeat, what the HELL is all this ABOUT.’ Thorin says in an exceedingly slow and deliberate manner as if the trio on the beach are half-wits or something. Well, Fili considers, his uncle just may have a point there…

‘This beast attacked Fili!’ Dwalin shouts, interrupting the blonde’s ruminations. 

‘I AM the beast in this situation?! YOU were trying to EAT him!’ Shouts Kili, outraged beyond measure. His outrage would have been conveyed better if the humans could have understood his words through his very thick seal accent, but alas, the three men only heard loud barking, huffing sounds and no actual words. Halfwits, the seal thinks snarkily to himself when he sees the humans have clearly not understood him

‘I think the beastie is rabid.’ Dwalin supplies sagely, out of the side of his mouth when the agitated creature FINALLY stopped with the bouncing up and down and doing that awful barking thing. 

‘Hmmmm…you could be correct, Dwalin. Do seals get rabies?’ Thorin muses, stroking his neatly trimmed beard, his eyes never leaving the rather pretty creature. You know, for a seal, of course. 

‘Rabid, indeed! YOU have RABIES!’ Hisses the seal, narrowing his big brown eyes and his seal brow lowers menacingly. 

‘See! The damn thing IS rabid!’ Dwalin howls, in genuine fright now. The thing had bopped him in the nose and, oh god above, the MOUTH with ITS mouth. I could be infected, Dwalin thinks suddenly horrified. 

‘It looks to be in too good of physical condition and is moving too well to have rabies.’ Fili counters, looking the seal over. Didn’t animals go all stiff legged and stagger around, bumping into things when rabid? Fili seems to recall that from when he read “To Kill a Mockingbird” by Harper Lee. The hero of that tale, Atticus Finch, had to shoot a rabid dog in the neighborhood while his kids, Scout and whatever her brother was named and the sheriff, watched. 

‘You knew I liked you. You really get me. Make me feel…ALIVE.’ Kili coos, his brows lifting as he turns his head to gaze lovingly at the little blonde. 

‘It’s certainly off in the head.’ Thorin concludes watching the seal look at his nephew. The slightly unhinged glint in the creature’s eye is unsettling to say the least. 

‘I love you!’ Kili bursts out and shuffles towards Fili. He just cannot help himself. While he may have only just met this little golden headed human, he is in love! What he is feeling is REAL, damn it! 'I would DIE for youuuuuuu!' The seal confesses in the earnstwhile and heartfelt way only the truly delusional can. 

Even Fili is disconcerted by the expression on the seal’s deranged albeit still cute, face, The odd yodeling sound the thing is now making positively sends chills up Fili's spine, and he takes a step back away from the seal as it starts towards him. 

‘Oh hell, NO!’ Shouts Dwalin, even more horrified at the sudden turn from belligerent to lovesick the seal has just made. Falling back on experience from his varsity football days, the large man scoops up Fili, tucks the little lad securely under his arm and makes a run for it. 

Thorin watches, speechless, as his usually completely sane neighbor and old friend, Dwalin, plucks up his nephew from the sand like the pigskin and tears up the beach like a madman as if the national college football championship itself were at stake or something. Shit, mayhap, it is more than just this crazy seal that has gone mad here he ponders. He slowly makes his way after the quickly retreating Dwalin back up the beach, away from the confused and now clearly heartbroken seal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One- okay, okay, you MAY conclude that I am making fun of the way Peter Jackson chose to define love in the BOFA. Sorry, wait, no I am NOT sorry. Peter Jackson should be sorry, very sorry for putting that shit out there.
> 
> Two- since I am obviously American and know little to nothing about rugby, I had to google what a rugby ball is called. On Wikipedia, it says that in the rugby league in Australia, the ball is sometimes referred to a steeden as that is who manufactures the balls. I thought steeden sounded better, edgier, if you will, than just 'rugby ball' in this fic. If that is inaccurate, and even folks from Australia who are reading this fic and are going, what the hell is a steeden?, please let me know and I will correct it. I thank you in advance.
> 
> Many thank you's to the Australian commenter who set me straight about a thing or two regarding rugby. In this fic, I have since changed that Dwalin from having been a former rugby player to being a former high school linebacker in American football. Write about what you know, write about what you know.


	4. I will cut off his big, hairy balls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin is not happy to learn of Dwalin's dalliance with Fili.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently, Thorin is like some sort of Doctor Doolittle. Read it and you'll understand.

As he slowly retraces his steps back up the beach and watching with puzzled amusement, the sand fly from under Dwalin’s rapidly retreating feet, Thorin Oakenshield, glances back at the seal. He freezes as he sees the poor creature is slumped, gazing forlornly at Dwalin and Fili as well. 

Being a marine biologist and zoologist, Thorin, is well versed with normal animal behavior. This seal is NOT acting normal. Well, if he is honest with himself, professor Thorin thinks, this seal looks much too much like a sea lion for his own good. 

‘Hey, there fellow, it’s not so bad is it?’ The man gently speaks to the seal in his awesome baritone voice. 

Snuffling a bit before he answers, Kili, finally barks out. ‘Yes, it IS that bad! The big, bald one will EAT the little one now!’ 

Judging from the mournful sounds that seal is making, Thorin assumes the poor beastie is totally heartbroken and rather concerned about something. Cocking his head, THorin asks. ‘What makes you think that?’ 

More snuffling and some defeated shrugging of his seal flippers occur before Kili answers solemnly, but knowing this bearded man could not possibly understand his words. ‘I saw Big Baldy chase and tackle Little Blondie and then nip and LICK his exposed throat and jaw before you showed up. And now Big Baldy has run away with Little Blondie. He is going to EAT him, I say!’ 

Narrowing his eyes, THorin looks back to where he can see that Dwalin has made the boardwalk and is beating a hasty retreat to his small, but tidy beach cottage. ‘You don’t say?’ The dark haired professor says through gritted teeth. ‘Stay here and once I get THAT sorted, I think I can help you if you’d like.’ 

Not waiting for an answer from befuddled and baffled seal, Thorin strides at a much quicker pace with an assured purpose in his step, up the beach towards the boardwalk. 

‘Sure, mate.’ Kili snuffles, more confused now than ever. Wait….did that human just….

I will kill him. I swear on my mother’s grave, I will CUT his big, hairy balls off. These are the thoughts roiling through Thorin’s mind as he makes his way up the beach. How DARE he touch my innocent, young nephew?!? Thorin fumes as he stomps on the wooden planks of the boardwalk towards Dwalin’s home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the wonderful and wonderfully consistent commenter, waterlilyblue, as it was their comment that gave me the idea that someone needed to comfort poor heartbroken Kili and with that idea came the idea that Thorin is a marine biologist and he can talk to the animals. Thranduil will be making his appearance soon. He is NOT a sea lion, but another marine biologist. 
> 
> I sure hope folks are reading this as I (but I am surely biased) find at times that I laugh out loud while writing it. I know it's a very short chapter, but it had to break here. Another one will be coming up shortly.


	5. Not thinking straight, yes, perhaps.  Hysterical, certainly. Rabid, nope.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dwalin makes it with Fili in tow to his cottage. He and Fili have a little chat and they forget all about Thorin and the seal. The lovebirds resume what they were about to do prior to Kili's impromptu rescue. Dwalin will regret not locking the front door.

Dwalin slams the front door of his neat- as- a- pin beach cottage, and once he deposits the sandy and totally flustered Fili onto the sofa, he returns to the door to throw the deadbolt. Before he can turn the lock, Fili huffs out an exasperated breath. ‘Dwalin! Seriously, you think the damn seal can open the door? Have you gone soft in the head?’ 

Whirling around so fast, sand flies from his long hair and beard, Dwalin asks in a querulous voice. ‘Do you think I have rabies?’

‘Wha…why on earth would I think you have rabies?’ Fili asks slowly, very confused. 

‘That damn seal…punched me in the mouth with… HIS muzzle…his MOUTH!’ Dwalin positively wails. ‘A couple times!! Oh god, I’m rabid!!’

‘Oh, for fuck’s sake, Dwalin… CALM DOWN, you are NOT rabid! Not thinking straight? Yes, perhaps. Hysterical? Certainly. But rabid? No, not a chance.’ 

Eyeballing his young, his so damn young, lover dubiously, Dwalin runs a hand over his mouth. ‘So…you think I’m okay? Shit, are YOU okay?!’ Dwalin asks, suddenly remembers that the seal had barrel rolled and sat on the lad. 

‘Sure, just sandy…but we were sandy before we got interrupted by a slightly deranged seal. Now where were we?’ Fili practically purrs the last sentence as he sidles up to his so very large and so very muscular, partner. 

‘Hmmm…I seem to recall I was on top of you, lad.’ Dwalin smirks as his mood instantly lifts with the coquettish behavior of the blonde. 

‘Aye, you were, but we may need to get rid of all this sand before we can…get down to business.’ 

Fili loves to see how such innocent, little comments as the one he just uttered can make Dwalin’s pupils blow wide and his nostrils flare with a sudden spike of lust. 

‘I’ll get down to business alright and straight away.’ And with that Dwalin once again snatches Fili clean off his feet, and he takes the small, blonde man into his master bath and shower. 

Unbeknownst to the pair of horned up lovers now romping and splashing about in the spacious master shower suite, the front door had never been latched, leaving it unlocked for, well just about anyone or anything to gain entry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, these last two chapters have been VERY short, but it seems like the right place to pause.


	6. Nephewfucker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin gains entry into Dwalin's home and finds the pair of horny lovers in the master bath suite. Fili tries to calm down his wild-eyed uncle who is in state. Dwalin really does not give a fuck. He is just relieved 1. that he does not have rabies, and two, he is getting some head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a few changes to a couple previous chapters, as I was kindly informed several facts regarding rugby. So...I changed Dwalin to a former American football player. A linebacker to be precise. I had to change a few sentences here and there. Thank you to the kind reader who commented with the needed information about rugby in Australia.

The long walk back up the beach and down the boardwalk has done little to ease the thudding rage within Thorin Oakenshield’s chest. If anything, it has given the dark haired professor time to replay several recent incidents that had seemed innocuous at the time, but now seen through the lens of knowledge about Dwalin’s true interest in his young nephew Fili, Thorin realizes he had been blind to the tell tale signs of a budding romance. I will take care of Dwalin’s buds, he thinks darkly as he strides down the boardwalk to Dwalin’s home. Snip THOSE damnable buds clean off. Thorin is completely lost within his own black thoughts of castrating his old friend to notice much in the way of his surroundings. 

Coming to Dwalin’s front door, Thorin raises his hand to knock but lets it fall back to his side. The thought runs through his head: Screw Dwalin, I will just barge in straight away. It is not like HE has been very nice about secretly dawdling about with MY nephew! Thorin grips the door knob and is honestly surprised when it turns easily and silently in his hand. He slips inside, not bothering to close the front door behind him. 

Thorin follows the trail of sandy swimtrunks and t-shirts down the hall to Dwalin’s master suite. Motherfucker, he thinks. Goddamn motherfucker. Well, nephewfucker, at the very least, and THAT is worse, the usually level-headed professor muses to himself. 

He hears splashing and giggles. Yes, giggles. While his nephew is twenty two, Fili still giggles like a child. Then a very deep, rumbling moan follows. From way down in Dwalin’s chest and past his backstabbing, lying, nephewfucking lips! 

Thorin rushes to the master bath suite and kicks the door open. The sight that greets him leaves him utterly breathless with distress and horror. Fili is on his knees, in-between Dwalin’s bent knees as the older man sits on the side of the bath, reclining back on his muscled arms, bracing himself up on the other side of the tub. Fili’s eyes go wide at the sight of his wild-eyed uncle in the doorway, but he does not remove Dwalin’s erection from his mouth. 

Thorin staggers back at the almost comical way Fili’s eyes have gone huge and round as he stares at his uncle. The lad’s mouth is in the exact same shape as his eyes, BUT, and it is a big BUT, Fili lips are stretched round and huge because Dwalin’s thick and heavy cock is currently in-between them. Well, Thorin thinks sourly, his old friend and neighbor won’t have that thing to worry over much longer. 

‘Are you just gonna stand there and gawk, man!?’ Dwalin finally asks, slightly aggrieved. ‘Can we have a wee bit of privacy?’ 

‘Privacy??!?!?’ squawks Thorin, several octaves higher than his usual range. The balls on this nephewfucker he thinks. ‘You want privacy!?!? I want your cock OUT of my sister’s CHILD’s mouth, thank you very much!’ He shouts, still quite stunned at the sheer audacity of the bald man and the fact that the large man's erection has not flagged one whit despite the sudden, loud, and wholly unexpected interruption. Was the man made of stone, Thorin wonders. 

Fili pulls off Dwalin’s erection with a slurp. A slurp that sends shudders down Thorin’s spine and will most likely haunt the good professor’s nightmares FOREVER henceforth. ‘Child?’ I’m not a child, uncle. I’m a grown man.’ The little blond asks quietly, in a rather confused voice. 

‘Would you STOP that.’ Thorin hisses. 

‘Stop what?’ 

‘Stop with the…with THAT!’ Thorin gestures at Fili’s hand as it has kept stroking up and down on Dwalin’s impressive manhood, even Thorin had to admit that fact.


	7. You are the one that is DENSE, fuckwit!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fracas occurs in Dwalin's custom built master bath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks, again to reader and commenter, waterlilyblue as they gave me the idea of having Thorin and Dwalin getting into an actual fist fight in Dwalin's bathroom. THe visual is quite clear in my mind. I really wish I could draw.

‘I said STOP THAT this instant!’ Thorin’s normal and wonderfully deep, baritone is gone, replaced with the pitch and tone of a shrieking banshee. 

Looking down at the cock in his hand, Fili shrugs but does not stop.

‘Oi! Only if YOU stop with that god awful shrieking !’ Dwalin barks and moves his large paw to still Fili’s moving hand. ‘There, are you happy now?’ 

Without saying a word, Thorin lunges for his formerly, quite dear friend and good mate. Knocking the kneeling blonde out of the way but not noticing in his blood boiling rage, the normally level-headed, stoic professor grapples to wrap his hands around Dwalin’s thick neck. 

Once the sheer shock of another, unanticipated attack on his person for the second time tonight, goddamn it all, Dwalin regains his wits and his long time training of hand to hand combat kicks in. With that, a complete fracas ensues in the spacious, custom built master bath. 

Since Dwalin and Thorin had first met in the Navy decades ago, it is honestly, little wonder the two did not end killing one another in the damn bathroom, but the combatants were very evenly matched in height and breadth and while Thorin was a little out of practice, he made up for it with righteous fury. And Dwalin, while he was undoubtedly the taller and stronger of the two, deep down he knew that Thorin was the only close family Fili had left in this world, and it would simply not do to kill the man. Regardless of how much he may deserve it, Dwalin thinks snarkily to himself. He can be the bigger man here and in more than just a literally sense. 

As the two exchange punches and kicks, and embarrassingly, a bit of hairpulling, they also exchange verbal jabs.

‘I was happy when I had my hands around your neck, you nephewfucker!’ 

‘Nephewfucker, what in god’s name are you…ooph! Are you going on about, you nut case?’

‘Are you seriously…hey, watch the hair!! Are you seriously that DENSE! You are, ouch! Fucking my nephew!’

‘You are the one that is dense, fuckwit. Goddamn it, pull my beard again and see what happens!! Several punches are given and taken before Dwalin can continue. ‘If Fili were my nephew, then I WOULD be a nephewfucker, but since he is NOT! Oi- that hurt! Since he is NOT, I am NOT a nephewfucker, you dolt!’

If one thing can filter through the rage flooding Thorin’s mind and body, it is logic, and the statement Dwalin just made, IS logical. Very logical in fact. Dwalin is NOT Fili’s uncle after all. Thorin pulls up, panting heavily. He blinks at his oldest friend, a friend that is now glaring at him with a rapidly swelling black eye. 

‘No, he is not your nephew.’ Thorin whispers. ‘But is he MINE, and I cannot see him hurt again. I CANNOT bear it, Dwal.’ 

Dwalin watches aghast as his close mate, Thorin’s eyes get a bit misty, and the large man feels an overwhelming sense of love and tenderness wash through his system for both the man in front of him, bloodied nose and all, and for the little blonde man sitting… 

The fact that Fili is NOT sitting anywhere in the master bath, dawns on Dwalin. He looks around slowly at first, then much more frantically, once he sees the unusual and strange drag marks through the sand on the tiled floor that he, Fili and Thorin had tracked into the suite. Oh shit!


	8. Whose blood is that?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dwalin and Thorin chat a bit, post physical assault. Dwalin sees something that terrifies him.

Thorin is confused by Dwalin’s sudden interest in the sandy bathroom tile. Honestly, he thinks , the man has the attention span of a three year old. 

‘No, no, no, nooooo…’ 

‘Hrmph.’ Thorin snorts at Dwalin’s now equally childish wailing and flailing about. ‘What IS it?’ THe professor asks in his pompous professor voice. 

‘Do YOU see YOUR nephew anywhere, asshole?’ Jesus, Mary and Joseph, but could Thorin sound like such a douchehead at times, Dwalin thinks. 

Thorin starts. While he might have just been trying to kill Dwalin for mucking about with Fili, he had quite completely forgotten about the lad. The dark haired man scans the large bath for the boy’s blonde hair. 

‘I don’t think there is any reason for name-calling, Dwalin.’

Dwalin gives Thorin such a scathing look that it could have peeled paint. 

‘That is really rich coming from the fuckwit who just tried to strangle me.’ He says darkly. 

‘I…well…yes, I suppose you could have a point there. ’ Thorin stumbles over his words. He looks guiltily at his friend. ‘I mean…it was just such a shock to see your….’ Here the professor gestures with his hand at Dwalin’s lower half. ‘THAT…IN Fili’s mouth… I mean, really. That is NOT something an uncle should SEE a nephew doing.’ 

‘Fair point.’ Dwalin agrees flatly, and he darts past Thorin to one, look for Fili and two, find some clothes, in that order. 

The large, tattooed man only makes it a few steps outside the bath before he stops abruptly. Blood on the floor. There is sand AND now freshly smeared blood on the ceramic tiles on the small hallway. Since Thorin is only one currently bleeding from his regal, eagle-like beakish nose, whose blood is that? Oh shit, oh shit, oh shitty shit!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry, shortest chapter yet, but it had to pause here.


	9. Steadfast to this rule

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dwalin and Thorin search for Fili in Dwalin's house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you commenters for the lovely ideas, but I had this one already worked out. I do like how you are thinking!

Thorin bumps into Dwalin’s bare backside as the board shouldered, bald man had blocked the hallway just a step or two past the bath suite doorframe. 

‘Ugh- goddamn it, Dwal! I just touched your bare ARSE. What the hell are you doing NOW?’ Thorin asked in a rather nasally tone as he had stuffed tissues up his nostrils to staunch the blood flowing from his not-so-regal-now nose. 

Dwalin does not respond with words, but he does put up his left hand, in a tight closed fist, the classic signal to stop, be still and be silent. Typical, Thorin grips to himself, but the man does stop and is silent. If anything, Dwalin is not one to be fucked around with when he falls back into their Navy training days. 

Craning his intellectual neck to see around Dwalin’s boulder like head and shoulders, Thorin sees the smeared blood on the tiled floor. He automatically puts his hand up to feel the tissues in his nose to ensure that they are there and the blood on the floor is not his blood. Finding the Kleenex still firmly jammed in place, his hand reaches to grasp Dwalin’s shoulder. 

Dwalin turns his head to lock eyes with his old friend. He jolts and stares for a heartbeat as the white tissues hanging from Thorin’s face had momentarily distracted him, but his mind clicks the facts into place and then he gazes into Thorin’s blue eyes. Fili’s has those same eyes, he thinks. And now Fili is bleeding somewhere, a goddamned rabid, lunic seal is out there SOMEWHERE, and he and Thorin MUST find Fili before the creature drags poor Fili out to sea or worse. 

‘We’ll find him, Dwalin. He could not have gone far. He is probably in the kitchen. There are towels in the kitchen, right? He would have gone there to stop the bleeding.’ 

Thorin’s voice sounds as firm and as confident as a man’s can with Kleenex dangling from his nostrils. He slips past Dwalin to march towards Dwalin’s newly renovated kitchen with stainless steel appliances, granite countertops, etc, etc, etc. 

Dwalin nods and steps quickly towards his totally awesome if-he-did-say-so-himself, kitchen, his heavy dick swinging from side to side with every long stride. He runs into Thorin’s clothed back as the professor had abruptly stopped in the open archway leading into the kitchen. Thorin did not even notice that Dwalin’s furred lower belly and probably his cock and hairy balls, as well, press up against his right hand as it hangs limply by his side. The sight that greets him in the kitchen is shocking beyond measure.

More blood, much more blood on the tiles and weird smear marks in said blood, as if something or someone had been dragged through the droplets of blood. Dwalin presses closer to peer around Thorin, and the tattooed man gasps in horror. 

The smears of blood lead OUT the side door. How the hell could the damn seal have unlocked THIS door? That side door had been latched and locked prior to Dwalin and Fili leaving to have their newly minted ritual of a sunset swim in the ocean and then a spectacular romp, somewhere in the cottage, often they did not even make it to the bedroom. They would fuck in the master bath, in the hallway, on the sofa, anywhere really. Expect, NOT in the kitchen. Dwalin did have standards and one does NOT fuck where one eats and/or prepares food. Fili had tried his hand and even his mouth a time or two to change his lover’s mind, but Dwalin had stuck steadfast to this rule.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like the alliteration in the first sentence? I did not mean to it necessarily when I was writing it, but after proofreading it, (yes, I do proofread, but I am crap at it as I am sure you can already tell.) I changed a few words to words that meant the same, but started with a 'b'. For a moment, I thought mayhap I would write this whole chapter like that, but I quickly tired of that game.


	10. Let's get that long story, son.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili and Kili walk along the boardwalk. They have unexpected company. No, it is not Thorin nor Dwalin.

As the pair of old mates gawk at the scene in the beach cottage’s kitchen, another rather unlikely pair shuffles and walks slowly down the boardwalk back towards the beach, Fili, the human, and Kili, the seal. Both are bleeding, but neither is overly concerned. They have both had worse injuries before. 

It is completely dark now as the sun has vanished into the Pacific ocean. Looking down at the seal, Fili worries out loud to himself, ‘What is a seal doing on a California beach? I see sea lions all the time, but never seals. I wonder why you’re here? ’ 

Kili, who can understand the human’s words, confidently answers, and why not, the other dark haired human who resembles the blonde in facial structure, could understand him? This little blonde will understand him, too! He thinks happily. 

‘I SHOULD be much further north, but with the climate change and all, the oceans currents are all akimbo. I confess, I am VERY glad to have been on that beach tonight.’ Kili says in his smoothest, aren’t-I-the-cutest-thing-ever voice. He also does the innocent, doe eyed look up at Little Blondie. 

‘Do you have something stuck in your throat, mate? Is that why you are acting so strangely? You know, all that damn plastic in the oceans…’ Fili stoops to try to peer into the seal’s mouth. He had not understood Kili at all. He had only heard low, gurgling, bark-like sounds. 

Kili’s heart leaps with anticipation, but the seal keeps his cool outwardly. He stops and stares up at the short human with his most bewitching eyes and expression and delivers his best line with utmost seriousness. ‘I could have anything down my throat.’

‘What are you doing with that sea lion, son?’ A voice from the dark asks. 

Both Fili and Kili jump at the unexpected sound. Fili straightens, but when he turns his head, a torch beam suddenly blinds him. He brings his bleeding arm up to shield his eyes. 

‘Oi, there mate! You’re bleeding! Did the sea lion bite you?’ 

‘Another fuckwit.’ Kili mutters under his breath. He had been about to woo this lovely little blonde, and now another goddamned human has arrived? Fucking lovely. 

‘No, the seal did not bite me. I hit the corner of a cabinet. Nothing much to worry over.’ Fili answers truthfully. 

‘Why is the sea lion bleeding, too?’ Says the disembodied voice.

‘He is?’ Fili asks, turning back to look at the seal. ‘Shit, he is! It looks like it is coming from the one of his front flippers. Hmmmm….he must have cut himself on the vase.’ 

‘How does a sea lion cut himself on a vase?’ Stern voice replies warily. 

‘Oh well, that is a long story. A vase had gotten knocked over, and it broke on the tile floor. He must have cut his flipper when he walked through it.’ Fili offers again truthfully and getting a little tired of the bright light and all the questions. 

‘So….the sea lion was in your house?’ The voice is now very stern and very wary. 

‘I said it was a long story!’ Snaps Fili. ‘Could you please lower the goddamned flashlight?’ 

‘When I get good and ready, I will.’ Voice says. ‘Now, you sit down. Away from the sea lion!’ 

‘Fine.’ Huffs Fili. He is tired now and just sits. 

Officer Bifur lowers his beam to the boardwalk once the small blonde man had willfully complied with his order. ‘Now let’s get that long story, son.’ He says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bifur makes his appearance! He is a police officer.


	11. Photos of what could be Kili the Seal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I saw these on FiliKiliTHorinForever's tumblr site and well...just could not help myself. Since it is not original artwork I THINK it is ok to copy and paste a link; however, if I am wrong, and it is uncool to 'steal' things, I prefer the term borrow, and post them here, PLEASE let me know and I will delete these images. However, I had to. I just had to post them. You'll see....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thornyhedge let me know that the links did not work so I will try to fix it. It will be tomorrow though. Thank you, Thornyhedge.

http://40.media.tumblr.com/929d9fd7db3b98f5910ed8a29bee54b1/tumblr_o2h6wtHltp1s1vn29o1_500.jpg

http://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=http%3A%2F%2Fsiz.io%2Fs%2Fcute-animals%2Fv%2Fseal-befriends-woman-sitting-on-the-beach%3Fsrctum&t=MzRiYTJhMzFmZDgwYWVlZjdhOWRiY2JlNTQ4OTE2ZDkyNDY4ZTY5ZSxGSHppY0U1MA%3D%3D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://saucywenchwritingblog.tumblr.com/post/139703013628/amuseoffyre-seal-befriends-woman-sitting
> 
>  
> 
> http://40.media.tumblr.com/929d9fd7db3b98f5910ed8a29bee54b1/tumblr_o2h6wtHltp1s1vn29o1_500.jpg


	12. I'm not afraid!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili talks to Officer Bifur. Thorin and Dwalin find Fili, Kili, and Bifur on the boardwalk. BIfur keeps them from opening their big mouths so Fili can tell his story. Kili comes to a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will try to paste the link for the photos of the seal taking a real shine to the blonde lady on the beach. I had tried in the previous chapter, but with the help of Saucywench, I think I will be more successful this time. I hope it works, look for it in the end notes.

When Fili had taken a seat on the boardwalk, feet dangling, Kili the seal had shuffled over to sit by him. He throws one front flipper protectively across the blonde’s midsection and eyeballs the man with the blindingly bright thingy and stern voice suspiciously. Bifur the police officer had eyeballed the seal right back, but before he could say anything, Fili had started his long story. Bifur, being the seasoned and wise officer of the law that he is, claps his mouth shut and lets the blonde speak uninterrupted. 

The story Fili recounts hardly make a veteran police man like Bifur blink an eye until he gets to the part about the seal. Having had grown up and lived his entire life in this area, except his days in the military, Bifur cannot ever recall seeing a sea lion, or a seal as the little blonde keeps insisting that the beast is, acting so strangely. Indeed, Bifur cannot ever recall seeing seals on this beach. The bloody thing MUST be a sea lion, right? 

When Fili tells about how the seal had injecting himself into Dwalin’s and Fili’s pre-swim playful tussle on the beach, Kili, who had been listening with rapt attention, moves to try to flop directly onto Fili. Bifur’s brows rise into his hairline, but again, he says nothing and just watches the two odd pair interact. 

‘Well, kinda just like that, in fact, officer.’ Fili says, gesturing to the seal. 

‘I see.’ 

‘I had had the air knocked out of me, you see. I think my boyfriend was just worried about me and wanted to get the seal off of me so he grabbed the seal and tried to manhandle him off of me. That was when things went south. Quickly.’ 

‘I see.’ 

Fili peers intently at the policeman, but when the man offers no more words, the blonde sighs, looks back to the surf, and continues. 

‘The seal kinda of bopped Dwalin, that’s my boyfriend.’ Fili says shyly, glancing up at Bifur. ‘Bopped him smack in the nose. Then a right ruckus ensued.’ 

Bifur cocks his head. He knows Dwalin, knows that Dwalin is considerably older than this boy sitting in front of him, but again he says nothing. Once a person gets talking, they are inclined to continue so Bifur lets the boy keep going. 

Kili is startled to hear the term boyfriend and Big Bald Beastie used in the same sentence. Wait, wait…Little Blondie and Big Bald Beast are boyfriends? The seal is confused. What the fuck does that mean? 

‘Then my uncle showed up out of NOWHERE. You see, he does not know about Dwalin and I. At least not yet…’ Fili trails off. 

As if saying his name aloud has conjured his presence, Thorin appears silently from the dark, Kleenex and all, Dwalin right behind him. The stoic police officer rolls his eyes at the sudden appearance of this newest odd pair of fuckwits. 

One with what seems to be tissue stuffed into his swollen nose, and other has a rather spectacular black eye and is completely naked. Of course, Bifur knows both men as they live here on the beach, and he recognizes both Thorin, the marine biologist and university professor and Dwalin, the retired Navy master sergeant. Bifur says nothing, but raises a finger to his lips in the universal sign of ‘be quiet.’ When both men bob their heads in acknowledgement, Bifur cannot help but roll his eyes again at the ludicrous sight of the two. He turns his attention back to the young blonde. 

Fili had not noticed his uncle and his lover’s approach, and he takes up the thread of his story after gathering his thoughts.

‘I know my uncle will not approve of me and Dwalin…thinks I’m too young and all. I’m not!’ Fili shouts towards the ocean waves. Kili puts his soft muzzle up to nuzzle along Fili’s cheek and jaw in an attempt to calm his blonde friend. 

At the movement of the seal, Dwalin starts forward, but one stern look from Bifur freezes the burly man in his tracks. Holding up his palms in a gesture of acquiescence, Dwalin steps back to where he was. 

‘Well, I am much younger than Dwalin, but still…. I AM of age. After Mom threw me out, I came to live with my Uncle Thorin, and he is rather clueless. ‘

Thorin takes umbrage at his nephew’s assertion, and he moves forward, mouth opening to defend himself, but Bifur quickly holds up a finger and stares the man down. No easy task there as the high and mighty Thorin Oakenshield is not one to back down easily; however, once he sees that Bifur’s other hand had moved to his accessory belt where a Taser, pepper spray, and his service weapon are holstered, Thorin turns his head and steps back. Bifur smiles tightly at Thorin. He does not want to pepper spray nor taser the good professor, but he is not above it. 

‘I see.’ Bifur prompts Fili, wanting the boy to keep talking, but with eyes fixed on the dynamic duo of Thorin and Dwalin to ensure that THEY kept silent. 

‘Do you say anything BESIDES that?’ snipes Kili. The seal is growing impatient and not a small bit concerned that there are now three large men surrounding him and his love. He had been keeping a VERY close eye on Bifur. Then when he had seen Thorin and Dwalin loom up from out of the dark, he had seated himself a little more firmly onto Fili. He did find himself staring alternately at Thorin’s tissues and Dwalin’s rather impressive manhood. 

No one understands the seal except for Thorin. The others had just heard a huffing bark-like sound. Thorin smirks a little at the officer.

Stroking the seal’s soft velvet fur pelt, Fili continues. ‘It is not like Thorin is clueless in general, just in how to work through one’s feelings. Mom had told my uncle I was a drug addict or something. I’m not. Sure I smoked some, but really who hasn’t? Ever since Mom had found a new man… and he is some evangelical Christian, he said I was a sinner and going straight to hell because I was gay. That I would pull all of them down to hell with me.’ Fili snorts and shakes his head. ‘He convinced Mom to throw me out. So, I am grateful that Uncle Thorin took me in. I just never expected to fall so hard for his oldest and best friend.’ Fili says sadly, thinking about his mother's utterly absurd betrayal.

‘Come with me! I’m not afraid. I know how I feel.’ Kili says in total, rather clueless, seriousness to the sad blonde. Suddenly, Kili comes to a decision. It is now or never. With speed that none of the humans would have guessed the seal possessed on land , Kili whips his back flippers around to effect the perfect leg swipe on the three standing fuckwits. As they topple and fall over and onto one another, Kili soft muzzle gives a firm push into Fili’s back and the boy falls into the sand below the boardwalk. The seal launches himself off the boardwalk as well and begins to herd the startled blonde quickly towards the waves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://saucywenchwritingblog.tumblr.com/post/139703013628/amuseoffyre-seal-befriends-woman-sitting-on


	13. We've made it to the sea and freedom!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili gets Fili to the water. Kili is a little too exuberant with Fili and the seal may be celebrating their freedom a wee bit too early.

Fili is still trying to clear his eyes and mouth of sand when he first feels the seal’s tickly muzzle and whiskers on his bottom. The seal gives the blonde’s rearend a good push, and Fili is too disoriented to know that he is being shoved and prodded towards the ocean. 

Spitting out bits of sand, with his eyes squeezed shut in the hopes his tears will wash out the gritty grains, Fili fails to appreciate how fast the seal has been able to move him until his feet splash in the waves. 

‘Hey, wait a….’ Fili sputters, now trying to blink open his painfully sandy eyelids. Before he can complete his sentence, Kili the heroic seal, jumps up to effectively chest bump the blonde so that he topples over in the surf with the seal landing on top of him. Unbeknownst to Fili, Kili had barked happily and had said to him right before the chest bump. ‘We’ve made it to the sea and FREEDOM!’

For the second time that night, Kili has landed directly on Fili’s solar plexus and all the air in boy’s lungs whooshes out. Unfortunately, unlike the first time, when Fili goes to refill his lungs with air, he is underwater. Instead of the fine sea air, it is not so fine sea water that rushes into Fili’s lungs this time. His eyes fly open in panic, but Kili is still astride, astraddle him. He cannot move. I am going to die underneath this crazy seal is the last cogitative thought that floats through Fili’s brain before everything fades to black.

 

Kili hops off Little Blondie and nudges him gently further out so the blonde can start swimming. Nothing. But Little Blondie’s eyes are open? Why isn’t he swimming away from those three lunic morons? The seal is perplexed. Kili nudges harder. Nada. Now the blue eyes have rolled back into Little Blondie’s head. Oh shit, thinks the seal. 

Meanwhile back on the boardwalk, the motley crew that went down in a tangled heap is trying to disengage their various jumbled limbs. Who the fuck would have guessed a seal could perform the perfect leg swipe? Not any one of this unlucky trio. Well, they know now, don’t they?

‘Goddamn seal!’ Dwalin roars over and over again in impotent rage. Since he is on the bottom of the pile, crushed into the planks of the boardwalk, he has watched helpless as the same said seal drives his very young blonde lover INTO the GODDAMNED sea. 

‘Would you shut the fuck up?’ Bifur snarls as he tries and fails to shove Thorin’s dead weight off of himself. Seriously, the fucker with the Kleenex up his nose is just lying there on top of him like he had been shot dead or something Bifur wonders. As if that were not enough, the naked fucker below him is bellowing, straight into his ear, thank you very much, non-stop like some trapped bear. I do not get paid enough for this bullshit, thinks the policeman.


	14. I'm Towelrail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter Legolas and Towelrail, the super twin sea lion duo.

Oh shit, oh shit, I need help! Little Blondie needs help! These are the thoughts racing through the pinniped brain of the velvety brown seal, Kili. He looks up and barks desperately at the three men on the boardwalk. The same trio from which he had just so happened to have rather skillfully removed Little Blondie only moments earlier. 

‘What the fuck…? The seal mutters to himself. He had not appreciated the stunning effectiveness of his leg, or in his case, flipper swipe. He can see the three men lying in a heap like some mythical monster, you know, what with the tangle of arms and legs and the god awful bellowing and all. 

‘Utter fuckwits.’ Kili grumbles to himself. ‘Complete and utterly useless fuckwits.’ He complains aloud again but to no one in particular. 

‘Oi- who are you calling fuckwits, numb nuts?’ 

Kili whips his seal head around so fast out towards the crashing surf that he is momentarily dizzy. Lovely, another disembodied voice from the darkness? Kili wonders if this voice will also shine the horrifically bright light beam thingy into his eyeballs like the other one did. 

From the dark waves comes the loveliest image he has ever seen. A sea lion, a FEMALE sea lion, would she be a called a sea lioness? He wonders, but really who cares… She has flaming red fur and the most wonderful eyes as she emerges from the surf to come to his rescue! Great gods above AND below, he is in love. For real this time. Truly. It is real love. 

‘Say, numb nuts, are you purposefully trying to drown that guy or are you just particularly stupid. You know, for a seal?’ 

Kili’s eyes dart to see ANOTHER sea lion. Definitely not female though and way too physically close to HIS red sea lioness who walks in starlight, thank you very much. Puffing himself up, the seal does the shuffle hop thing off of the now totally forgotten about Little Blondie. He narrows his eyes defiantly as all good heroes are wont to do, at the sea lion with the fucked up eyes. Seriously, when did sea lions start having such a crazy blue eye color? 

‘Damn, if you WERE trying to drown the little guy, I think you succeeded.’ Blue eyed sea lion says as he swims closer to Fili and peering down worriedly at the man still underwater. 

Kili glides through the water away from Fili and the male sea lion towards HER, his love, the love of his life, the one he would DIE for. And amazingly, this time, instead of swimming away for all she was worth as very other female he has done this exact same thing to over the years, the red sea lioness smiles and swims TOWARDS him! Oh happy day! He has found real, true love at long, long last! Now he just needs to get her name.

‘And what would your name be?’ He purrs in his most seductive voice, setting his chocolate brown eyes in their most lovable, adorable puppy dog like mode. 

‘I’m Towelrail.’ Red sea lioness answers and gazes longingly into the seal’s eyes. 

Got her! Kili the seal congratulations himself to himself. No one can resist the eyes when he does it just so….

‘For fuck’s sake, would you two please help me get this guy back to shore!’ Bellows Ole Blue Eyes. 

‘Ah…no, Legolas, I don’t think I can. I have more important matters to see to. Leave him. ’ Towelrail answers without giving her companion a glance. 

‘Me, neither. We’re BUSY.’ Kili barks happily, gazing right back. 

Ole Blue Eyes, aka Legolas, rolls his eyes and goes about the real business of getting the not quite, but damn close to drowned man’s face up from under the water. Pushing the blonde bodily out of the water by himself is no easy task and Legolas is panting by the time he gets the man far enough up the beach so that he is lying on face down in the wet sand. The sea lion begins literally bouncing his front flippers on the back of the blonde’s back in the hopes of expelling the sea water in the man’s lungs. 

Legolas breathes a big sigh of relief when Fili does start to cough and spew out the salt water. The sea lion moves to push the blonde up and on to his side facing away from the ocean. It is only then does the blue eyed sea lion look up to notice three large and apparently, very angry, men charging towards him across the sand. Oh shit! He thinks.


	15. Aye, the hospital it is.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Legolas realizes that Towelrail had manipulated him with her words of saving the world, fighting evil to enlist his help so that she could check out the 'hot' seal. Legolas is mightily pissed with the fact that both Towelrail and Kili had ditched him when he needed help getting Fili back to shore and that he is left to run for his life from Thorin, Bifur, and Dwalin. Thorin declares that Fili should go to the hospital. Dwalin and Bifur agrees. Bifur makes a suggestion to Dwalin.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shitty shit Legolas, the sea lion, thinks. From the fearsome and irate expressions on the faces of the three human men charging at him, he figures he is about to be mauled by the trio. They must think it was he, the only one who actually helped the little blonde, thank you very much, that had been the one who had tried to drown the little fellow in the first place. Goddamn fuckwit of a seal! Goddamn his supposed best mate, Towelrail, too for that matter!

It had been her fucking idea to ‘fight evil in the world’ which meant for them to investigate what was happening in the surf between the human and the ‘hot’, her term, seal. He is rather sea lion-like for a seal don’t you think she had said. Well fuck me and back Legolas thinks, but she used my feelings for her to manipulate me into helping her; then, she ditches me when I need her most! When it was obvious that the seal was the one doing something nefarious in this situation, trying to drown the damn man, she goes all swoony for some fuckwit, murderous seal!? Fan-fucking-tastic. Honestly, that is supposed to be seen as heroic? It is anything but; however, that is level of honor and loyalty that particular female sea lion has, the male sea lion grouses to himself.

Satisfied that the blonde man was no longer in immediate danger of dying, but rightly concluding that he, in fact, is, the blue eyed sea lion hops off Fili and shuffles/ bounces back to into the crashing surf. And not a moment too soon, for the naked one had just about caught him as he made his escape. Damn, did their clothes slow them down Legolas wonders? He had never seen a human make such speed before, and he had plenty of experience with humans. They were almost always wrapped in some sort of clothing, but this bald one with a myriad of tattoos covering a goodly part of his body was stripped bare as the day he was born. 

‘Goddamn seal!’ Dwalin roars in frustration as he just misses getting ahold of the damn sea lion. He is ankle deep in the water and is fit to be tied. Not that Dwalin could differentiate between a seal and a sea lion. If it had not been so dark, mayhap he would have noticed the small, visible ear flaps that are the main distinguishing feature of a sea lion from a seal, but Dwalin is no marine biologist. He is an outraged man who has had a fucking ENOUGH for one goddamned night! 

Fili had finished coughing up the sea water he swallowed and inhaled and lies slumped on the sand, exhausted. His uncle, Thorin, and the police officer kneel on either side of him to ensure he is breathing. 

‘He is not breathing properly. Sounds raspy and rattily, but he IS breathing.’ Bifur says in a relieved tone. Law, the paperwork for a death, by accident or sea mammal or whatever would be massive the officer thinks, and he is rather relieved that the man is alive for both of their sakes. 

‘Let’s get him to hospital straight away.’ Thorin says and scoops up his nephew along with a great deal of sand. 

‘Would you people please stop with picking me up like I am some errant toddler!’ Fili explodes. Well, not really explodes, it comes out more like a kitten’s mewl than a lion’s roar. Damn it all, Fili thinks sourly, but he refuses to say another word. 

‘Aye, the hospital it is.’ Dwalin agrees, wholeheartedly. Perhaps they have something for rabies there, too? You know, as a precaution? 

‘Ah-you may want to get some clothes on first.’ Bifur supplies in what he hopes sounds like a helpful and not an asshole-ish tone. 

‘Oh, well, yeah? Dwalin looks down and notices his own nakedness a bit surprised. ‘ I reckon that would be a good idea, yeah?’ Dwalin agrees.


	16. You should see my penis.  It is as impressive as I am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili continues to woo Towelrail. He offers to show her his impressive penis. Legolas stops Kili from giving Towelrail a penis peek, and he gives Kili & Towelrail an earful. Legolas informs Kili that Fili is being taken to the hospital, the place where humans go to die. Kili takes immediate action to go be with Fili.

Diving through the waves as they surged towards the shore, Legolas, the sea lion with the funky blue eyes, fumes as he swims quickly out to where he can hear the seal and his so called best friend, Towelrail playing in the water. Disloyal, lying asshole and so damn self-righteous but only for her own self serving purposes, Towelrail, the male sea lion seethes with outrage. 

Approaching the pair, Legolas slows down to eavesdrop on their conversation. 

‘You look so much like a sea lion, are you sure you are a seal?’ Towelrail purrs to Kili.

‘Well, that is what my mam told me. ’ Kili says proudly. Finally, a female that makes him feel alive! An idea comes to him and without a second thought he blurts out. ‘You should see my penis. It is just as impressive.’ He is not afraid to show HER his penis, by god! 

‘I would love to see your penis.’ The sea lioness says, her voice husky with desire and her green eyes going all soft and melty. Kili starts to roll over to give her an eyeful. 

‘Enough!’ Screeches Legolas. Okay, several octaves higher than for what he was going for, but at least it stopped the goddamned seal from unsheathing his fucking penis! 

‘Enough!’ Legolas barks again, but in a much deeper voice. ‘It is bad enough that you.’ Here he points an accusing flipper at Kili. ‘That you tried and almost succeeded in drowning that little blonde guy, but now you feel it appropriate to show your WENIS to some strange female you meet, like five minutes ago? Fucking seriously!?!?’

Indignant, Kili barks right back. ‘I did NOT try to drown Little Blondie. I LOVE him.’ 

Towelrail freezes, and her bottom lip goes all quivery and her eyes all teary. ‘But…but I thought you loved ME?’ She wails in dismay. 

‘Oh, I do, baby…I do. I love you both, but I would NEVER show Little Blondie my awesome penis.’ The seal assures in his most sultry voice with his brown eyes set to their most alluring. Towelrail melts against him again.

‘Goddamn it, if you MENTION your FUCKING PENIS one more GODDAMNED time, I will DROWN you!’ Legolas roars. Giving Towelrail a none- to- gentle a push with his muzzle, the sea lion continues with his the verbal bollocking.

‘And YOU….you are supposed to be my friend and the captain of the guard…some fucking captain YOU are! Who the hell suggested WE go have a look at what was going on between the human and the seal in the first fucking place?! And THEN, who ABANDONED me as soon as they set eyes on Wonder Penis Seal, here?! Hmmmm…answer me that, Towelrail! Who the fuck abandons their mates because some seal, who happens to look very much sea lion-like, but who is STILL a fucking seal makes swoony eyes at you? Fucking seriously! I almost DIED making sure the human would live because that big, bald one is motherfucking fast! He almost caught me! Would you have come rescue me? I doubt it.’ 

With that Legolas is done and turns to swim further out to sea. Kili stops him. ‘What do you mean? Was Little Blondie that bad off? And does Big Bald Beastie have him AGAIN?’ Kili wails in horror.

‘He was almost dead, you brainless seal. ‘ Legolas sneers. The years of them, seals, against us, sea lions, is just too ingrained within the sea lion’s brain to keep the disdain from his voice. 

‘Really?’ 

‘Yes, I think I heard them say something about taking him to the hospital.’

‘What is THAT?’ Kili asks horrified. He does not know what a hospital is, but it does NOT sound good.

‘A place they take humans to die.’ Legolas snarls and then he swims away. 

‘Wha….’ Kili does not finish the word. He dives headlong under the water and starts swimming to the shore as fast as he can. 

‘Where are you going? If we have such special, real love, why are you leaving me?’ Wails Towelrail, and she pursues the seal in his swirling wake. 

‘Fuckwits.’ Mutters Legolas.


	17. Kili the seal finds a ride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili improvises a plan to get to the hospital. He hitches a ride in Bofur's Jetta wagon.

Oh shit! Have to save Little Blondie! Bald Beastie has him! At a hospital! Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! These are the thoughts racing through Kili the Seal’s pinniped brain as he swims as fast as his seal flippers can propel him through the water. 

Once he bounces/shuffles out of the surf onto the beach, Kili heads towards the boardwalk. Once he clambers up the steps to the boardwalk, the seal runs. Well, runs would not be the most accurate word, but Kili makes it down the length of the boardwalk as fast as he can to the deserted parking lot. Huffing like a diesel engine of a freight train, Kili ponders his next move. 

The sound of a door opening grabs the seal’s attention. He sees an employee from the surf shop coming out to empty the trash in the near- by dumpster. There is a row of a few shops, all closed for the night, but the surf shop stays open the latest, and the employees must be readying the store to close. Kili watches as this surf shop worker with the crazy hat jogs over to a small VW Jetta wagon and reaches into the open window to grab something out of the center console. 

Hmmmm….Kili thinks. What is that thing? It has these round, black things supporting the entire weight of what looks like metal. Wonder what that is for? The seal goes to inspect the thing once the employee goes back inside. 

Kili is on the far side of the car, when Bofur, that is the surf shop employee, walks back out of the door, whistling and jangling his car keys and carrying his surf board under his arm. He opens the back hatch and slides the surf board inside. Patting his board short pockets, the man with the rather silly hat, curses under his breath and dashes back to the surf shop. 

AH-HA! Kili smirks and smugly goes to get into the back of the Jetta. Not as damn easy as it seems if you are a seal, mate. With a lot of huffing and puffing and after several unsuccessful tries, where he ended up rolling several meters across the parking lot, Kili finally manages to haul himself up and into the back of the Jetta. 

Bofur returns with cell phone in hand, slams the back hatch of the Jetta down, and gets behind the wheel. He does not notice the dark shape loom up from the back as the not so bright Bofur has a bad habit of texting while driving.


	18. Very real and very unfortunate for all players

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bofur is not having the night he had hoped for.

Bofur curses under his breath as he tries to steer with one knee and tap out his booty call message* to his newest squeeze. It is only the faint sound of breathing or panting coming from the back seat that finally draws his attention back from his damnedable mobile. Glancing up to check the road, Surfer Bofur then notices a smell that should not be there…did some asshole leave their fish tacos in his beloved Jetta? 

Turning his head to check the back, Bofur’s hat gets knocked askew when it comes into contact with Kili’s muzzle. Now, Bofur can’t see anything, not like he was watching the road much anyway actually, but he REALLY cannot see anything with his silly hat twisted on his head so that it covers his eyes. 

Let’s just say Bofur may have burned a few too many brain cells with all the marijuana smoking he has done for the last two decades, but truth be told, he was not the brightest bulb in the socket to start with, so what he does next is not really that unexpected. Instead of using a hand to straighten the hat, he refuses to drop his precious, i.e. his mobile phone and instead tries to jerk his head to cause the hat to swivel back in place. That plan works about as well as it sounds like it would. 

What is Smokey doing? Wonders the seal in the backseat. Why is his head and neck doing that thrashing about bit? Damn these humans and their weird ways! 

Then Kili sees something in the headlights. Is that Towelrail? In the middle of the road?! He barks out loudly and repeatedly in warning. 

The pieces of sensory evidence that someone or something could actually be IN the Jetta with him finally dawns on Bofur, such as 1. the SOUND of breathing, 2. the SMELL of fish, 3. the tactical FEEL of something knocking his hat caddywhompus, and now quite clearly and what seems like directly into his ear, 4. the SOUND of hysterical... barking....woofing? WTF? 

Bofur gently sets down his phone and doffs his hat completely. One, there IS a large seal IN the car with him, its head in-between the seats, barking to beat the band. Two, when he FINALLY decides to cast a look out the windscreen, he sees ANOTHER sea mammal, a sea lion maybe? On the center line of the damn road. For the briefest of moments, Bofur wonders if he is having a bad trip, but he remembers he had given up LSD a good decade prior. No, those two things must be, unfortunately, real. Very real and very unfortunate for all players involved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Author's note- a booty call message is what I guess what today is called sexting or maybe even this thing called tinder? I do know what sexting is. I am not particularly good at it myself, but I do know what it is and how to do. Let's just say when your husband and your son's little league baseball coach have the same first name and maybe just maybe you sent a naughty text meant for the former, but in your haste to send it, maybe you sent it to the latter instead.... Well, let's just say I have not tried sexting since. Anyway, I have no clue what tinder is aside from a vague notion that is some kind of app to arrange to hook up. I have gotten this much information from overhearing the twenty year old's that work at the hospital talking about it amongst themselves. Frankly, I am staggered and a bit jealous, as that would have come in very handy when I was twenty something myself and working 100 hours a week.


	19. Anyone else hurt?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bofur awakes up to hearing two EMT's talking. Bifur gets an alarming message from dispatch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for leaving this fic for what a month? Shame on me. Life has been a tad crazy lately. It good ways and in bad. Had a death in the family which, while not unexpected is still painful. Kids are busy with sports and school. Husband is back in school for his job so he is usually stressed. My work is back to normal as last year had been painfully slow. You know, just normal real life stuff. Anyway, here is a short update. Not much story left to tell, but some good twists and funny surprises. I hope so at least.

‘Yeah, he’s unresponsive but temp, pulse, and respirations are normal. Pupils are wonky, but that is possibly from the drug use. No hemorrhaging of the retinas.’ High pitiched voice says.

‘What do we do with the…other one?’ Deep voice says. 

‘Hell if I know. This one is Officer Bifur’s cousin, right?’‘ 

‘Yeah. It was IN the car with him. ’ Long Pause as deep voice sighs heavily. ‘We better take him, too.’ 

‘How do you know it’s a him?’

‘Let’s just put the damn thing on a stretcher! Make sure to strap it down. Good and tight. Don’t want it getting loose in the back with you and Surfer Boy here.’ 

This conversation is spoken over Bofur’s swirling head between a male and a female voice. He blinks slowly, coming back into consciousness. Firstly, he is strapped down. Secondly, there is some sort of collar like thing around this neck keeping his head immobile. Thirdly, he is moving or at least riding on something rolling. He feels the stretcher as he is slid into the back of an ambulance. Shortly afterwards, he hears another stretcher being loaded as well. He closes his eyes as they feel so heavy. 

‘Where do you think I would start an IV on this thing?’ Female voices says loudly. Her voice jostles Bofur fully awake. To whom is she yelling? And why the hell is she talking so loudly? She is seated right next to him for Christ’s sake. All these thoughts are drifting through Bofur’s aching head

Bofur cannot move his head, but he does cut his eyes to see the pretty blonde young lady lifting up…what is that? A flipper? 

Then snips of memory flash before his eyes. Barking seal in the car with him, another seal, possibly a sea lion in the road, swerving to misses the animal in the road….. 

Jesus Christ on a raft…he has wrecked his beloved Jetta , has gotten hurt God only knows how badly, and now he is on his way to the hospital with a goddamned seal? Lovely. 

Meanwhile, at the same said hospital in which Bofur is currently in route, Thorin, Dwalin, and Officer Bifur mill around the Emergency Department waiting area. The doctor is examining Fili, and she had thrown all three men out of the small bay so that she could go about her work without the three underfoot. 

Officer Bifur’s radio buzzes. 

‘Bifur. Over.’

‘Your cousin, Bofur, was in a single car accident, sir. He is on the way to Memorial right now. Thought you’d like to know, Chief.’ 

Bifur curses under his breath. Lovely...just what he needs right now-his stoner cousin has gotten in an accident. 

‘Any one else hurt?’ 

Long pause. 

‘I said, anyone else injured? Over.’ Bifur repeats. 

‘Uh…well, yes. I suppose you could say that.’

‘What the fuck does that MEAN? Over.’ Barks Bifur. 

‘Apparently, some kind of animal, a sea lion maybe or seal, was also in the vehicle, sir. It is in route as well. To the same hospital.’ 

‘You must be JOKING?’ Moans Dwalin, and he sinks into a chair. Bifur looks between Thorin and Dwalin helplessly. And here Bifur had thought this night could not have gotten ANY stranger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally forgot to give credit to a reader, Pattiboo, who came up the idea of Kili the seal causing Bofur to crash his car and that is how they both end up at the same hospital with Fili, Thorin, Dwalin, and Kili. Great idea- thanks again!


	20. Don't let 'em get Fee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dwalin has a melt down in the ED. Dr Oin leaps into action. Thorin asks Ori the nurse for a favor.

‘It would seem like dispatch is not joking. They confirmed that some kind of animal was in the car with my cousin. ’ Bifur huffs out after spending more a few more moments quietly speaking with the county dispatch. ‘My cousin, Bofur, who works just down the lane a jog from where you two live. AND apparently, he had accident in his auto where there was a sea mammal, much like a seal or sea lion, IN the car with him.’ 

‘I knew it.’ Moans Dwalin. ‘The damn thing is rabid….it infected your cousin with rabies and now he is doing his bidding…’ The large man muses. 

‘Don’t be daft, man.’ Bifur snarls impatiently. ‘Bofur is often stoned, but he does NOT have rabies for Christ’s sake! We will have to suspend judgment about just what happened until Bofur gets here and we can ask him. No need to jump to conclusions about who or what is rabid or not. It may not even be the same seal…’

‘Of course, it’s not.’ Dwalin mutters. ‘Just a happy coincidence that I am physically assaulted on the beach by some random seal. That same said seal just happens to make its way into my house after Professor Fuckwit there...’ At this point the large tattooed man gestures in Thorin’s direction. ‘… ALSO physically attacks me, in my own goddamned home.’ 

Standing to his full height which is considerably, Dwalin continues, increasing the cadence of his words in volume as well as speed as his composure breaks down. ‘THEN, it….’ He struggles to come up with the most appropriate word. ‘abducts Fili, right from under your nose, Bifur! Where the damn thing tries to DROWN him! I think it is safe to ASSUME that it IS the same goddamned seal and I HAVE EVERY GODDAMNED REASON TO BE AFRAID THAT IT IS NOW ON ITS WAY HERE TO FINISH THE FUCKING JOB!’

At this point, wild-eyed and flailing his arms about, Dwalin is the very picture of the word hysterics. Thorin stares open-mouthed at his long time friend and neighbor. He has never seen Dwalin so worked up. Bifur knows cracked when he sees it. Nothing left for it he supposes. He holds up his hands to placate and distract the large, hysterical man while he sees Doctor Oin in his blue scrubs, a few paces behind Dwalin , readying a syringe of sedatives. Dr Oin jabs the needle quickly and efficiently into Dwalin’s upper arm and depresses the plunger, administering the full dose. Dwalin whirls around but he is quickly wrapped up by two very big and brawny attendants. 

‘Easy now, man…it is will be okay. Some sleep will do you good.’ Dr. Oin’s voice is calm, reassuring, and soothing. 

‘Don’t let ‘em get Fee, pleasssss…..’ Dwalin begs, slurring the last words before he nods off in the arms the attendants, one a redhead with rather flamboyant hair, Nori, and the other, Nori’s brother, the grey haired but with equally stylish hair, Dori. 

‘No worries, he will be perfectly fine as will you.’ Dr. Oin assures the now unconscious man. 

‘How is my nephew, doctor?’ Thorin asks hurriedly. He glances at Nori and Dori as they load Dwalin’s large frame onto a gurney. ‘And what will happen with Dwalin?’

‘The lad will be fine…he did get water into his lungs so we will need to take some precautions to stem pneumonia from developing. He is getting antibiotics and fluids intravenously now. You are welcome to sit with him. He is sleeping. The nurse can show you to way to him. If you will excuse me, my staff and I need to get ready for a head injury from a MVA. ‘ Dr. Oin does not wait for an answer, but he does gesture for Ori to come assist the worried uncle of his patient. 

BIfur falls into step next with Dr. Oin. 'I will need to speak to the driver as soon as he arrives, doctor.' 

Dr. Oin sniffs a little. He does not like taking orders from anyone. ‘You can ONCE I have examined him.’ He strides away full of self- importance. 

Bifur rolls his eyes, doctors, he thinks, but he says. ‘Of course. You are the doctor.’ 

Ori ushers Thorin back deeper into the Emergency Department. The good professor asks the young nurse for a favor.

‘Could they push my friend there back to where my nephew is? I think it would do good for them both to wake up together.’ Ori pauses for a moment and nods carefully. He can see sound reasoning and common sense in the request. He waves to his two brothers to follow him with the gurney carrying the now snoring tattooed man. They make quite the procession through the ED back to the bay where Fili lies asleep.


	21. The seal?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili and Dwalin are admitted to the hospital and are upstairs sleeping safe and sound. Thorin cannot sleep so he ventures back down to the ED in search of some candy bars and something to drink. Bofur and Kili arrive at the ED. An argument ensues between Bard, the EMT, Dr. Oin, the chief of the ED, and Bifur, the police officer. Thorin offers his help.

While Fili and Dwalin enjoy a deep, pharmacological enhanced slumber, they miss seeing Thorin trying to get comfortable in one of the recliners that come standard in hospital rooms these days. With the imminent arrival of a trauma patients, the chief of the Emergency Department, Dr. Oin, and other doctor staffing the ED that night, Dr. Tilda, had decided it would be best to get the two out of the ED and up to a regular room. Thankfully, two beds are available and while semi-private rooms are unheard of in the United States any more, the admitting hospitalists thought it best to follow the advice of Dr. Tilda and the nurse to put these two together. 

It might have helped that Thorin had supplied that he is Fili’s next of kin, only next of kin. Totally true fact. And he had stated that Dwalin and Fili are domestic partners so they could be placed in the same room. Totally untrue, but Thorin rationalized the falsehood by figuring it was close enough to being true in the near the future, at least. Now if only he could get comfortable in this blasted reclining chair, he might get some sleep, too. Finally, the good professor gives up trying to sleep and meanders back down to where he saw a few vendor machines in the ED. Maybe a couple snickers and some hot chocolate will help he go to sleep. 

Meanwhile back in the ED, Bofur and Kili arrive via ambulance. Sigrid had been successful in starting an IV in the seal’s front flipper, but it had taken several sticks through all of which the seal had howled and moaned as if he were being skinned alive. Bofur may have threatened to actually skin the seal if he did not shut the hell up. 

Bard and Sigrid have made their fair share of weird runs, but this one was up there at the top of weirdest ever. Bard had never been so damn glad to turn over two patients in his entire EMT career; however, Dr. Oin had balked at taking the seal. As you can image a ruckus ensues.

‘No, No! It is a damn SEAL! And this is a hospital. As in, for PEOPLE.’ Dr. Oin states flatly, arms crossed over his chest.

‘It is NOT going back in my bus and that is a fact.’ Bard repeats. There is no way in hell he is putting that damn thing back in his ambulance. No way, no how. 

‘Come on, doc. It’s here, can’t you sedate it at least?’ Implores Bifur. 

‘Where is Little Blondie?! Don’t let Big, Bad Beastie eat him!’ Kili wails in his high thin voice. 

‘Christ on the cross, has it done that the whole way here? ‘ Ori asks Sigird, wide-eyed. 

‘Not exactly. It was out cold when we arrived on scene. But once he woke up, then yeah, barking, howling, you name it. That high wailing is new, though.’ Sigrid supplies. 

‘Oh.’ Ori answers, really at a loss for what else to say. 

Thorin hearing the seal’s desparate cries, peaks around the corner, a snickers in one hand and a lukewarm, but surprisingly good cup of hot coco in the other. Who would have guessed a vendor machine hot chocolate would taste so good. Even if it was not piping hot. 

‘I am NOT a vet and it is not coming in here. Especially with all that noise it is making. ‘ Dr Oin is steadfast. 

‘Maybe I can be of help.’ 

All six pairs of eyes turn to look at Thorin. At least, he had taken the tissues out of the nose, but he still sounds rather nasally. 

Genuinely intrigued, Bifur asks. ‘How so, Professor? Do you have any contacts at the SeaSide Marine Rescue Center we might call in middle of the night?’ The officer is hopeful. 

‘Uhm….well, yes.’ Thorin hedges. He does NOT want to call Thranduil,the senior marine biologist at the SeaSide Marine Rescue Center but yes, he does have the man’s mobile. He is loathe to call the man. Especially in the middle of the night.

‘May I speak to him first?’ 

‘Your contact? Sure!’ Bifur is beaming now. They are getting somewhere.

‘No, the seal.’

‘The seal?’ Bifur, Dr. Oin, Ori, Bard, Sigrid, Dr. Tilda, and even Bofur still strapped to his backboard , repeat incredulous. 

‘Get someone from psych down here, pronto.’ Dr. Oin sighs wearily and warily out the side of his mouth to nurse Ori. Is it a full moon the good doctor wonders? Must be as the nut cases are out tonight the old doctor thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have ever worked in a hospital, you will know that this situation I have just written about is, in fact, entirely plausible. The only folks who say they have seen it all are rather newish doctors or nurse, because there is ALWAYS something weirder and more bizarre just waiting to come through those doors. Trust me on this.


	22. Fili is very well acquainted with Dwalin's penis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin and Kili have a chat in the ED. Bofur supplies some interesting news about the fact that there was another sea mammal involved. Kili tells them all about Towelrail and how they are in love. Dr Oin just wants all these nut cases out of his damn department.

Alright, Bifur thinks as he stares, rather dumbfounded at Professor Oakenshield, I have just heard it all. The man actually thinks he can SPEAK to the SEAL? To ANY seal for that matter? Lovely, this ab-fucking-surd evening has just been taken to the next level of crazy-ass. Fan-fucking-tastic. However, Bifur does not say any of these thoughts. He knows from long experience when dealing with delusional people, trying to reason with them is simply not possible. 

Dr. Oin is thinking approximately along the exact same line of thought as the police officer. Crazy will do as crazy will do. No use trying to interfere. What could it hurt to have the guy ‘speak’ to the seal. Now, where the hell is that damn psychic consult? 

When Thorin gets no push back from anyone to the idea of him speaking with the seal, he approaches the stretcher holding the seal firmly strapped down. Kili is still making all sorts of noises, from frantic barks to heartbroken moaning wails and huffs. The animal is obviously distressed. 

‘Hush, hush now. No one is going to hurt you.’ Thorin speaks calmly and soothingly. He gently places his hot chocolate down, but keeps ahold of his snickers bar.

‘I CAN’T!’ Kili’s shrieks and thrashes as violently as he can, but really he moves nary an inch. The stretcher bounces on its small wheels, though.

‘Peace.’ Thorin tries again, placing a hand on seal’s chest. ‘If you are calm, they will be able to remove the restraints.’ 

‘The hell we will.’ Murmurs Bard under his breath. Thorin shoots him the evil eye. 

‘If you calm down, I can explain what has happened, what is happening now. On the beach and in this place.’ 

Kili warily eyeballs the man with the eagle beak for a nose. He notices it is swollen and black and blue but is still hooked. If the seal had ever seen Sesame Street, he would have said that Thorin’s nose looks rather like Gonzo’s. .

Bifur and Dr. Oin exchange a rather surprised glance and shrug simultaneously; however, they both remain silent. They figure it is just coincidence that the sea mammal had stilled and is now staring levelly and expectantly at Thorin. 

‘Ok, that’s good. Very good. You are in a place where injured people…and animals come to have their injuries treated. This is a hospital. They make people better and help them recover. You were in an ambulance. That is a motorized machine that transported…uh, brought you and Bofur here.’ 

When Kili’s eyes cut over to Bofur , the surfer, waves cheerfully. Bifur, Dr. Oin, and Bard roll their eyes, but Dr. Tilda ,Sigrid, and the Brothers Ri can see that the seal seems to be understanding what the man with the candy bar is saying.

Kili barks several low woofs, still looking at Bofur. Thorin translates. ‘ He says he is sorry about knocking the thing you wear on your head, a hat maybe? So that you couldn’t see. He is sorry for making you wreck your rolling machine. Your car, I guess is what he means. 

‘Ah…no worries, man.’ Bofur sighs. ‘ It was that other sea lion in the middle of the road that made me swerve.’ 

Well, this wee tidbit of news perks up Officer Bifur. ‘There was ANOTHER seal or sea lion?’ 

‘Aye, in the middle of the damn road.’ Bofur confirms.

‘Towelrail.’ Kili supplies in a small huff.

‘Towelrail?’ Thorin repeats, unsure what Kili means. ‘Is that a name or a description?’ 

‘What the fuck is a towelrail?’ Dr. Oin snaps. The good doctor’s patience is wearing thin. He will have a word or two to say to those fuckwit psychiatric residents. Where the fuck are they?!? This whole situation is fraying his nerves.  
As Kili explains, Thorin translates exactly what the seal says for the others. ‘She walks in starlight….she and I, we are in love. Really. She wanted to see my penis and everything…’

‘Enough!’ Dr. Oin roars. ‘Ori, get me another syringe of methohexital now!’ 

‘Wait, let me clarify with him, please.’ Thorin pleads. ‘She is a sea lion, yeah?’ 

Kili nods his head. 

‘She is your…good friend?’ 

More vigorous head nods from the seal. 

‘What was she doing in the road?’ 

Kili answers mournfully. ‘She was probably looking for me. I had raced back to check on Little Blondie. Legolas said he had started breathing on the beach, but that you, Bright Light, and Bald Beastie were taking him to a place where humans go to die.’ 

‘I see, you were worried for Fili? That is the lad’s name, by the by. He is my nephew. Bald Beastie is my old friend and neighbor, Dwalin. He and Fili are also...uh...good friends.’ 

‘Fili has seen Dwalin’s penis?’ 

‘Uhmm…unfortunately, I know from firsthand, as in eye-witness experience, that Fili is very well acquainted with Dwalin’s penis.’ Thorin sighs, shuddering at the memory of what he saw in Dwalin’s master bath suite.

‘I’ll get those damn drugs myself.’ Dr. Oin hisses as he pushes past Ori. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this lived up to expectations. Cheers!


	23. whose cocks is he talking about?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More conversation bounces around the ED. Gloin makes his appearance.

As Dr. Oin rummages around through the various cabinets and drawers that surround the semi-circular Emergency control desk, the young nurse, Ori and Sigrid watch with bemused smiles. A physician assistant, Gloin, who had just returned from his dinner break to find his older brother acting like a deranged man, gives the pair a questioning glance.

‘Do you suppose he where knows to find a drug of any kind? ‘ Ori muses aloud.

Gloin snorts. ‘Doubt it. I mean, he is my brother and all, but seriously, when is the last time he has ever gotten his own drugs?’

Ori shrugs and Gloin laughs. ‘Not in the last two decades, I assure you! I don’t think he even knows what the pyxis IS to be honest. Doubt he knows where the crash carts are located, either. So what has gotten him is such a state?’ 

Sigrid gestures toward the stretcher where Thorin stands. Gloin’s eyes go wide. ‘Shit! Is that a…seal?’ 

‘Something like that.’ Ori answers.

‘They are discussing penises.’ Sigrid supplies helpfully.

‘Uh-okay. Wouldn’t the correct term be penii?’ Gloin wonders. ‘And whose?’

‘Whose what?’ Sigrid asks perplexed. 

‘Whose penises or penii, or whichever….whose cocks is he talking about. And more importantly, why?’ Gloin glances over his shoulder at his gray haired brother cursing and rummaging about. ‘I guess that is what has him in such a lather?’ 

‘He.’ Here Ori gestures to Thorin, ‘He seems to be talking to the seal about his nephew’s domestic partner, Dwalin’s penis and it seems the seal is talking about his own penis.’ 

‘Oh.’ Gloin nods, then freezes. ‘Wait…the seal is talking…to him?’ 

‘Apparently.’ Bard replies dryly. He had walked over to the trio and had seen Gloin’s befuddled expression and had heard his question. 

‘Have we established who or what the seal meant by towelrail?’ Sigrid wonders. Gloin shakes his head. No wonder his brother has lost it the PA supposes, but he keeps silent, intrigued and watches and listens as Thorin continues his rather one-sided conversation with the sea mammal.

‘Does he treat him good?’ Kili asks in a querulous voice. Thorin’s brows knit in confusion. Kili clarifies his question. ‘Does Dwalin treat Fili good. Is he nice to him? I thought he was going to eat him when I saw them on the beach. ‘ 

‘I’ve known Dwalin for decades and I can say for sure he is quite the gentleman with his partners.’

‘He was tossing Little Blondie …I mean, Fili, about and then got on top of him.’ Kili snorts, seriously doubting the gentlemanly-ness of Dwalin.

‘Uhm…well, I do know Dwalin likes to…ah…roughhouse a bit with his lovers... ‘ Thorin grimaces when he imagines his old friend’s large paws all over Fili’s body. A shudder runs through him again, but before he can continue, Gloin asks a question.

‘Has anyone seen the patient?’ 

‘The seal?’ Harrumphs Ori.

‘No, you nit, the patient on the backboard? ‘ 

‘Bofur?’ Bifur asks, you know, just to be sure to whom the PA is referring. 

Now Gloin can totally empathize with his distressed brother, this lot is a bunch of halfwits he thinks. He rolls his eyes and repeats his question. ‘The man, Bofur, I presume, the man on the backboard with the c collar? Has he been seen by any medical professional here? Has his c-spine been x-rayed, is there reason to do a CT to rule out an intracranial bleed? You know, all the sorts of things we are MEANT to be doing to treat a patient rather than stand around watching some nut case with a candy bar speak to a seal?’ 

Thorin looks down, surprised to see the snickers still in his hand. Dr. Tilda and Ori bump into one another to get to their respective jobs. They could have been a wee bit too enthralled by the chaotic scene with the seal to remember that they actually have a patient to treat.


	24. Of course his name is Kili

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dr. Tilda and Ori see to Bofur. Gloin sees to Dr. Oin. Bard and Sigrid see to making their way to the vending machines. Bifur talks Thorin into calling Thranduil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it has been almost a month since I've updated this fic! No much happening here, but some foreshadowing.

Thorin smarts from being referred to as a ‘nut case with a candy bar.’ Yes, he HAS a snickers in his hand, but that should hardly make him a nut case, the professor huffs under his breath. 

Dr. Tilda barks orders to Ori as she shines her bright light into poor Bofur’s eyes. Then, in a flash, Ori swoops in and pushes the man off to radiology for a CT scan. Apparently, Dr. Tilda had seen something in Bofur’s eyes, perhaps a sign of hemorrhage on Bofur’s retinas. Gloin goes off in a hurry to catch his brother, Dr. Oin, up to speed on the status of their patient, and EMTs Bard and Sigrid wander off towards the vending machines as their charges have officially been passed off to the hospital. Actually, it is unclear to whom the seal had been passed off to, but that issue is no longer theirs to fret over. There are some candy bars and hot chocolate to be bought and consumed. All of which leaves Thorin and Bifur standing next to Kili still strapped on his gurney. 

Bifur looks imploringly at Thorin. ‘Listen, is there ANY way you could get in touch with your contact at SeaSide Marine Rescue? Please?’ 

Thorin sighs resignedly. ‘Yes, I can get in touch with Professor Thranduil. If you think it will help…’ He looks down at the seal. ‘What is your name?’ 

Kili considers this a moment. He had liked the sound of the name, Fili, so he makes a rhyming sound to it. ‘Kili.’ He answers. 

‘Kili?’ Thorin repeats, eyebrows going up to his hairline.

‘Kill what?’ Bifur snaps, losing patience with the good professor. 

‘No,no,….he says his name is Kili. That rhymes with my nephew’s name, Fili…’

‘Of course, he name is Kili.’ Bifur says. Thorin misses the sarcasm in the officer’s voice completely. 

‘Yeah, odd coincidence, right?’ Thorin laughs. 

‘After tonight, I’ll believe just about anything, mate.’ Bifur sighs. ‘Can you please call Thrandin, Fanruil…whatever the guy’s name is from the marine rescue center?’ 

Thorin nods and pulls out his mobile. What is unfortunate for the professor and the officer and really just about everyone else in this particular hospital on this particular night, is that not one them could have possibly anticipated or predicted how much more ridiculous this night will get before the dawn breaks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> very short filler chapter


	25. He's here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thranduil arrives at the hospital. A little bit of Thorin's and Thranduil's backstory is revealed.

Even if Thorin Oakenshield will never admit it, like EVER, he had gotten a thrill up his spine when he first heard Thranduil voice again. He had experienced that long forgotten, but yet so familiar spike of….well, something, just from hearing the man’s voice, rough from sleep. 

What Thorin did not know was Thranduil’s heart had leapt into his throat when his groggy, still half asleep brain had registered it was Thorin’s voice on the other end of line. The platinum blonde, marine biologist, the lead researcher and head zoologist at the SeaSide Marine Rescue Center would also never admit that he had literally jumped out of the bed to answer Thorin’s request for help in the wee hours of the morning at a local hospital. 

These two intelligent and highly educated men, members of the same profession and having the same passion for all marine life had been….good friends, as in VERY familiar with each other’s penises, penii, whatever, BUT… they had let their own pride and hard headed stubbornness get in the way of their relationship. It has been five years since the two had last spoken. 

While he had waited for the marine rescue and rehabilitation expert to arrive on the scene,Thorin had gone back to to vending area and had bought two more snickers bars. He had already snarfed down one in a vain attempt to calm his nerves. He wants to see Thranduil. He cannot deny that fact. More badly than he would EVER give voice to, but he is also afraid to see the man again. 

Thorin had thought they would be together forever. When they had first embarked on their physical affair, Thorin would have never dreamed that he would have fallen in love with the somewhat snarky, blonde, steely eyed man, but he had. Hard. Thorin had been so hurt when he had discovered that Thranduil had had some boy on the side. Some blue eyed wonder boy named Legolas. Fucking hell! It had felt like his heart had been cut out of his chest when he can overheard Thranduil one night speaking on the phone to one of his fellow marine researchers at SeaSide. Thranduil had GUSHED about this boy. How young wonderful he was, how beautiful. How perfect in every way the little fucker was. God above, listening to the love of his life speak in such glowing terms about another had crushed Thorin. He had never spoken to the Thranduil again after that night. His pride had been too wounded to consider it. Thranduil, for his part, had never tried to explain who or rather what Legolas was. His own self-righteous stubbornness of had kept him from going to Thorin to explain the situation. It had been wrong, plain and simple, that Thorin had been eavesdropping on his conversion with a colleague in the first place! Thranduil had just wished his being right had not hurt so bad or felt so wrong, but he could not bring himself to attempt to rectify the misunderstanding. 

Thorin stands by the gurney holding the seal, Kili, slowly sipping his second cup of hot chocolate with the last snicker in his hand, half eaten. When the hospital’s automatic doors whoosh open to permit the tall, platinum blonde man to purposefully stride through, Thorin tosses the cup of hot coco and the remaining candy bar away and unconsciously straightens his spine and stands taller. 

‘He’s here.’ Thorin says aloud, mainly to reassure the seal, Kili, but his words are also meant for the police officer, Bifur. A hush settles over the entire ED department at the sound of Thorin’s baritone voice. 

Bifur perks up and turns to see a tall man glide into the ED, being escorted by the nurse Ori. It may have been the case that Bifur had dozed off on his feet once his cousin, Bofur’s CT scan had been read, and it had been determined that he, in fact, did NOT have an intracranial bleed. Bofur had been admitted for 24 hour observation just to be on the safe side, but it was largely a precaution. Bifur had been very relieved that his cousin had not been seriously injured. 

Gloin, had also heard Thorin’s deep voice, and he eases closer to the dark haired man and the seal. It had taken a good deal of time to calm down his brother, Dr. Oin, and that was a damn fact! Thankfully, once Gloin’s words of reason had broken through the fog of ire and illogic in his brother’s brain,Dr. Oin had simply stuffed the couple of syringes he had managed to fill with sedatives, into his pocket and had huffed out of the ED. Gloin muses that he is probably headed to the psych floor to chew out a couple of residents, but he is not certain of that. He is just relieved that his brother is NOT in the ED now to witness this exchange. It could just push the good doctor back over the edge, but for his part, Gloin is damn interested to see what will happen next. 

Gloin settles back to watch as the tall man with the very blonde hair cautiously approaches the dark haired, bearded man standing alongside the gurney holding the seal. This should be entertaining if nothing else, he thinks to himself.


	26. He has never been so wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thranduil and Thorin get distracted. Bifur loses it. Balin and Bombur show up.

Kili the seal cranes his pinniped neck to look at the tall man gliding towards him. Ooooo, he has blond hair, too!? Really blond, almost white hair that clashes starkly with his dark eyebrows, but still….Kili has a definite preference for blondes, no doubt about that! 

Kili glances up and can see the man who can understand him is reacting in a similar fashion to the man with the platinum hair. Oh ho, Thorin prefers blondes, too? Kili smirks smugly at the thought. 

‘Thorin…it is good to see you again.’ 

‘You as well.’ Thorin rumbles shyly, but another thrill goes up his spine at Thranduil overture. 

‘Uh…how have you been? Well, I trust. ‘ Thranduil can plainly see that his former lover is happy to see him so he tests the waters further. 

‘Good, good. Busy at the university, of course, and then with my nephew. He came to live with me about a year ago.’

‘Ah…your nephew lives with you? I had heard that….somone had moved in with you. Young, blonde…’ Thranduil trails off lamely. He had NOT meant to sound so…creepy, stalkerish even. He HAD heard through the grapevine that a very hot, little, blonde had moved in with Thorin, but he had assumed it was a lover, not the man’s nephew.

Thorin starts at Thranduil’s words and their obvious meaning. His own feelings of betrayal come rushing back in a flood. ‘Yes, he is young and blonde AND my sister’s CHILD! Not some rent boy toy to be kept on the side!’ He snaps.

Thranduil rears back in indigation. ‘There was NO boy toy, you moron! Legolas is a sea….’

‘Enough! Fucking enough already!’ Bifur roars, causing all present in the ED to jump in surprise. The little dramatic back and forth between the two grown man had ensnared each’s attention fully. 

‘This is not some goddamn romantic reunion for fuck’s sake! He is meant to be here to do something about the goddamned seal!’ Bifur jabs a stubby finger towards Thranduil. ‘ Once he sorts that THEN and ONLY then may you two fuckwits continue your lover’s quarrel, got it?!’ Bifur demands hotly. 

Gloin snorts out a laugh and tries to cover it with a cough. This is just getting better and better the PA thinks. He could never imagine how much better it will get shortly. 

‘There is no need for rudeness, officer.’ Thranduil replies icily.’ 

‘Oh but apparently there IS.’ Bifur snaps back. ‘Can you see to your job first? Then you may proceed to hash it out with the good professor here on your own time and preferable somewhere else. ‘ 

Thranduil sniffs, but he can see the officer’s point. It really is quite crass of him and Thorin to discuss such a private matter in such a public place. He silently moves to examine the seal, pointedly not looking at Thorin hovering close by. 

As Thranduil moves his hands over the seal’s torso and flippers, two more figures come bustling through the automatic doors. It is a short, wide little man, with white hair and worried frown on his kindly face. Balin had been called by the hospital to notify him that his brother, Dwalin, had been admitted. He is concerned for his brother as the person who contacted him was rather vague about Dwalin’s condition. 

The other figure is just as short, but much, much wider. Bombur had also been contacted when his brother, Bofur, had been in a motor vehicle accident and brought to hospital. Bombur carries with him two dozen doughnuts and a thermos of hot coffee. He is an emotional eater, and he had grabbed some doughnuts from his bakery before heading to the hospital. 

Gloin moves to intercept both men as they have that look of furrowed brows and concerned worry on their faces that most family members wear when they arrive to the ED. Gloin does not currently have a patient so he has time to assuage the anxiety and fear both men are feeling and walk them to the respective patient’s rooms on the floor. Gloin is slightly reluctant to leave the ED, but he assumes incorrectly, that all the fireworks and crazy happenings are over for the night. He has never been more wrong.


	27. You so owe me, little nursey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet Alfurd. Ori, Nori,Dori, Thorin, Thranduil and Bifur get to witness an attempt to rescue Kili, and Alfurd gets caught in the cross fire.

While Gloin escorts Balin and Bifur up to the floor where Dwalin and Bofur are, Thranduil carefully runs his hands over Kili’s velvety fur covered head. 

‘He claims to be a seal? But he looks so much like a sea lion. I wonder why?’ The marine biologist muses aloud.

‘My mam told ME I am a seal!’ Kili barks, outraged on behalf of his mother. 

Thranduil looks over to Thorin questioningly when the seal lets out a string of barks. 

Thorin shrugs and translates for the blonde. ‘He says, rather emphatically, that he is a seal because he’s mam told him so.’ 

‘Ah, well, if that is not unconditional proof of fact, I don’t know what is.’ 

Sarcasm is still new to the seal so he is not sure if the blonde is being ironic or not, but all thoughts vanish when the man’s hand manipulates his right front flipper, the one without the IV in it. Pain flashes white hot up the seal’s limb, and he lets out a god-awful howl. Thranduil eyes the seal and gently sets the flipper back down. 

‘He has some minor cuts on his left front flipper and a rather large bump on his noggin, but what worries me, is that the right front flipper. It’s probably broken. If that is the case, then I need to transport him to the rescue center.’ Thranduil concludes quietly. 

Ori, the nurse, glances around ED quickly and sees that Dr. Oin is still out of the department. He motions for them to follow him. Thranduil and Thorin exchange a glance and start to follow.

‘With the seal!’ Ori hisses. 

‘Oh? Ok.’ Thorin says and pushes the stretcher carrying Kili who promptly starts up with the howling and moaning again. 

Ori rolls his eyes, but continues to walk briskly down the hall. Thranduil goes to help Thorin steer the stretcher as those damn things are a bitch to maneuver, especially around corners. Bifur is hopeless at it as well. After they bump it into every wall and corner down one short corridor, jostling the already agitated seal, making him howl all the louder, the ED attendents, Nori and Dori take over. Ori throws his brothers a grateful smile and the unusual patient is transported without further incident to the radiology department with the two marine biologists and the police officer trailing behind. 

The radiology tech, Alfurd, looks up from staring into space as the head of the gurney rolls into x-ray room one. 

‘Wha…what the hell is THAT!?’ He demands.

‘He needs an x-ray.’ Ori replies calmly. He is used to the uncouth and unhygienic Alfurd and is ruffled neither by the man’s bad attitude nor breath . 

‘Oh hell no! Off you pop, little nursey.’ Alfurd makes shooing motions with his hands. 

When Nori and Dori appear since they are at the foot of the gurney as it rolls completely into the room one, they silence the weaseling, dark haired man with a glare. 

‘X-ray his front flipper or I will report you to IT for the sites you visit on hospital computers. And for stealing food from the doctor’s lounge.’ Ori snaps.

‘That was NOT me!’ Alfurd protests vehemently. 

‘Uh huh…I have you on camera going into the doctor’s lounge and coming out with an armload of drinks and snacks.’ Ori replies in a breezey tone and taps his phone. 

Alfurd sulks for a moment or two, considering the likelihood of Ori having actual video of him pinching from the doctor’s lounge. He decides to change tact. ‘They don’t need all those refreshments anyway! And the hospital provides all that for them for free. That is not fair!’ 

‘I agree, but that does not mean you get to take them and sell them to patient’s families either, does it?’ Ori asks sternly. 

Well, that shuts up Alfurd. No small feat there. He mulls over his options and decides it is simply easier to comply with what the nurse and his merry band of misfits wants than to argue further. 

‘Fine, but I will need help getting him onto the table.’ 

Nori and Dori push the stretcher alongside of the x-ray table and undo the straps holding Kili. Firmly grabbing the sheet under seal, they slide him over. During this process, Kili had huffed and barked and given out little moaning yowls. When Alfurd touches his right flipper to position it, Kili’s yowls turn to howls again. 

‘You will so owe me, nurse.’ He mutters under his breath and yanks on the seal’s flipper which in turn causes the seal in ramp up the volume and intensity of his howling and growling yowls. Little does Alfurd know just how much worse his night will get shortly. 

Ori, Nori, Dori, Thorin, Thranduil, and Bifur all watch uneasily behind the leaded glass viewing window of x-ray room one, but they are unable to interfere. It certainly seems like the seal has a broken bone of some sort; however, they need Alfurd to take the damn x-ray to determine which one and how badly it is broken. 

What the little group had not known was that Kili’s anguished cries had been a beacon call for his rescue. Presently, a pair of sea mammals are honing in on their brethren’s location within the hospital. So it comes a quite a shock when the heavy leadened door of x-ray room one unexpectedly flies open and two sea lions crash into the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I meant to spell Alfurd that I mean, why not? I mean no disrespect to x-ray techs in general nor do I mean to imply that x-ray techs are such slime balls as Alfurd is here. Alfurd is a smarmy person who happens to be a x-ray tech in this story.


	28. Could they be infected?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drama in x-ray room one.

As the little group huddled in the radiology control area stands frozen in place in abject, stunned surprise, Towelrail and Legolas, the super sea lion duo, proceed to knock Alfurd senseless and toss him into a far corner of the room. Kili barks happily at the sight of his red furred love, Towelrail, but when she pushes Kili off the x-ray table onto the cold, tile floor, he unfortunately lands directly on his injured right front flipper. Remarkably, the seal lies silent as the grave due to the shock waves of pain washing through his system.

‘Is he dead?’ Legolas wonders aloud.

‘No..no,no,no!’ Towelrail wails. ‘Get me some athelas!’ 

‘Some what?’ 

‘Athelas! Kingsfoil, you fool!’ 

‘Hey, wait a damn minute…’

‘I need to heal him and I am the only one who can!’

‘Of course you are. Why else would you be here?’ Legolas asks, rather snarkily. 

By this point in the sea lions heated exchange, the observers in the control area had regained their wits and had come charging into the room. 

‘Legolas!’ Thranduil exclaims, one part in relief and the other horror.

‘Legolas?’ Thorin repeats in utter and complete horror. The love of his life left him for a goddamned sea lion?! It must be a bad joke, right? ‘You were fucking a SEA LION on the side? You’re sick.’ He whispers.

‘Oh for the love of god…’ Bifur mutters under his breath as he maneuvers himself around the professor who had stopped stock still in the middle of the melee around him. 

Thranduil whirls around to address the accusation leveled at him by Thorin. ‘No! He was an injured sea lion in my care and he became like a son to me. I WAS NOT engaged in any kind of sexual relationship with him!’ Thranduil blasts into Thorin’s face. Taking a step back and lowering his voice to a normal level, he continues. ‘ Nor anyone else, be it human or otherwise, when we were together. I love you. Just you.’ The last word is said in a whisper and Thorin has to lean closer to take it. The pained pinch of Thranduil’s face is more pinched than his normal rather thin lipped look. 

Thorin stares deeply into Thranduil’s eyes for any sign of deceit or deception. He finds none. The professor reaches out his hand to brush Thranduil’s hair behind his ear. His hand trails down the blonde’s jaw line. Thranduil places his hand gently over Thorin’s hand and repeats. ‘Just you.’ 

Nori and Dori start clapping and wolf whistling. Ori smiles warmly at the pair while Bifur scowls darkly.

‘Fucking seriously?’ Bifur asks in disbelief. ‘You need to work this out here and NOW?’ 

‘Leave them be.’ Ori chides, still smiling. 

The happy reunion is interrupted when Towelrail tail flipper swipes Thranduil, and he crashes to the floor. 

‘You! ‘ She snarls and pounces or rather bounces onto his chest. ‘There is no LOVE in you!’ She says, her front flipper pointing shakily in his face and her eyes round and bright, drunk with justified, self-righteous indignation or tinged with delusional madness. Perhaps a little of both. It is really hard to tell which. 

‘What the fuck is WRONG with these damn animals? Have they all gone off in the head? Could they be infected? ’ Bifur asks to no one in particular.


	29. The doctors are coming, the doctors are coming!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thranduil, Towelrail, and Legolas have a conversation. Apparently, Thranduil can understand sea mammal's as well as Thorin. This fic may just have completely devolved into a total parody of some scenes from BOFA. Sorry. I could not help myself. Again, sorry. We will return to Fili and Dwalin next.

Thranduil stares coldly at Towelrail for a heartbeat then slaps her front flipper out of his face and forcefully shoves her off his person. She stares at him distressed and dumbfounded, as if it is perfectly unacceptable for someone to defend themselves from threats of physical voilence, not to mention malicious and hurtfully lies said about them. 

Legolas puffs himself up to seem as big as possible and places himself in between the pair now glaring at each other. 

‘This seal needs help…is your life more important than his?’ She asks, peering around the back of Legolas’s head, tears pooling in her eyes. 

‘Well, at least you are not attempting to claim to be here on behalf of ALL seals, Towelrail.’ Thranduil snarks as he brushes himself off. Thorin’s head jerks around. Had Thranduil UNDERSTOOD the sea lion’s words, just as he had? 

Glancing over at Thorin, Thranduil shrugs. ‘I can understand what they are saying, too. The seal’s dialect was a bit hard to gauge at first, but I got it now. There is no need to translate. I have had these two sea lions at my rescue and recuperation center before. I had to banish this one. ‘ He gestures towards Towelrail.

Thorin gives a firm nod of his head, a smile playing at his lips. 

‘Lovely, both the fuckwits think that can talk with the sea life?’ Bifur rolls his eyes. ‘Frankly, it does not matter if you want to discuss the upcoming election if you want to do it on your own time. Can we get the injured seal seen to and get these two seemingly healthy sea lions outta here?!’ 

‘If there is no place for Towelrail, then there is no place for me.’ Legolas says levelly, his blue eyes ice cold. 

‘Fucking fine. I care a great deal about you Legolas, but honestly, if you want to continue to let that female sea lion manipulate your feelings for her in pursuit of her own, selfish ends and lead you into very real danger so that she can pursue a romantic interest in ANOTHER, then fine. Please do so. Just please get the fuck out of here as the seal is injured and in need of care.’ The blonde marine expert huffs out impatiently. 

‘That is why we are here!’ Shrieks the red furred sea lion, outraged that Thranduil should say such hateful things about her.

‘Can you set his broken flipper? I don’t think so, dipshit.’ Thranduil snaps back. 

‘Wait, wait… you said that we needed to warn this seal and any others that the hospital was a trap. You said nothing about taking of care of him?’ Legolas blusters, now thoroughly confused. 

‘I didn’t?’ Towelrail hedges, stalling for time, not entirely certain what she HAD said to the blue eyed sea lion to get him to join her on this suicide mission to the hospital. ‘Well, that was certainly implied, Legolas.’ Her self-righteous tone returning. 

‘Uh, no you DIDN’t. I am meant to be helping you save Wonder Penis Seal here so you can what exactly?’ Legolas demands hotly. ‘It was not like you had any concern for any of the other seals in ocean before. Or for the little blonde guy that almost drown. What is your motivation for coming here to rescue him and just him?’ 

‘He’s hot? Like super hot? And I LOVE him.’ Towelrail answers resolutely.

‘Oh, I see.’ Legolas answers. Turning back to the Thranduil, he says sorrowfully. ‘I can’t stay here. I need to leave.’

‘I would suggest you go to my distant relation’s marine center, Rivendell.’ Thranduil says wisely. ‘There you will find a young boy, a son of good man, who also is very distantly related to my relation. Anyway, even though his presence at that marine rescue center is meant to be a closely guarded secret, but I’m sure it’s okay to tell YOU.’ 

Legolas shuffles off and had just cleared the door when he runs head along into an apoplectic Dr. Oin and his fist full of sedative filled syringes. Dr Tilda and Gloin are hot on his heels with more syringes, primed and ready to dispense their fast acting agents. 

‘The doctors are coming, the doctor are coming!’ Someone is heard to shout.


	30. I had no idea WHAT happened

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thranduil wakes up in a hospital bed, and Balin fills him in on some of what happened after the doctors showed up.

The last thing Thranduil had remembered is a sharp jab in his left buttock and then all had gone wonky and then blank. He is awake now in a darkened, hospital room, in bed with someone who he sincerely hopes is Thorin, snoring into his ear. 

Cracking his eyes open, Thranduil sees that, yes, it is Thorin next to him in bed. Thank god above. Poor Thorin does not usually snore, but with the broken nose he had gotten sometime yesterday, he is snoring now. Thranduil shifts slightly to see a wide, little fellow with a white beard and a head to match sleeping in the recliner at the far end of the room. 

Shifting still more, Thranduil can see another bed with two other occupants in it. He recognizes Dwalin, Thorin’s neighbor, and he can make out a small shape wrapped round Dwalin’s torso. Blonde hair. Must be Thorin’s nephew, the one who had gotten drug out to sea and almost drown by a crazy ass seal. 

A nasally snort draws Thranduil attention to the floor where he sees said crazy ass seal, asleep on a pallet of blankets on the floor with his right front flipper wrapped in bandages. What the fuck happened last night? Thanduil wonders. 

One second he was advising his former charge, Legolas, the blue eyed sea lion, to go seek out a boy in Rivendell and then the next, a sharp poke in the arse and then….poof…nothing. Until now. He is obviously in a hospital room what with the equipment and the furniture, but why the hell is he is bed with Thorin? Not that he is complaining, he would just like to know why. And why is Dwalin in bed with Thorin’s nephew? Why did the seal try to drown the poor lad in the first place? Where the hell is the seriously crazy ass and treacherously dangerous, Towelrail? Did she stick him in the arse with something. He would not put it past her. Not a’tall. 

He groans when he moves his head back next to Thorin and he hears the little, wide man move in his slumber. 

‘Do you need something, lad?’ A kindly voice stage whispers.

‘Uh…some water would be grand. If it is no problem, good sir.’ 

‘No trouble at all.’ Balin says and climbs off the recliner. He pours some water in a short Styrofoam cup from a pitcher of ice water, puts a top on it, pops in a straw, and carries it over to Thranduil. 

‘Thank you, many thanks.’ Thranduil murmurs and drinks deeply. He glances up at the beaming face and asks. ‘Not to be impolite, sir, but who are you? And do you have any idea what happened last night and why I am in this room?’ 

‘Oh, I’m Balin, I’m his brother.’ Balin gestures towards Dwalin sleeping form. ‘I was in here with my brother and his….partner, I guess that is how you say it, with his partner, Fili when Thorin came in pushing you in on stretcher with the seal.’

‘Good lord, I was on a stretcher WITH the damn seal?’ 

‘No, no, no.’ Balin corrects, chuckling. ‘I misspoke. Thorin pushed you in here on a stretcher. Apparently, you had gotten a good dose of sedatives in some melee down in the ER. The seal came up some time later after they had…uhm, fixed his front flipper.’ At this point, Balin strokes his beard in thought, trying to remember what exactly had been said. ‘ With pins? Or some such like that anyway.’ Supposedly he is to go with you once you are discharged this morning. ’ Balin says in his kindly tone. 

‘Oh.’ Thranduil can really not muster any more response than that for the moment as he digests what Balin had said. At least some of his questions had been answered, but not all.

‘So, I had been drugged? By whom?’ Thranduil is still suspicious. 

‘The head of Emergency Medicine, apparently. That is why he allowed Thorin to bring you AND the seal up here in the first place. Seems that you got sedated by accident. The seal was sedated on purpose, but from what the nurse said, the doctor was aiming for a sea lion but got you instead. 

‘Ah…you are here because of your brother, Dwalin?’

‘Aye, when I was shown to his room, he was in here in one bed and the little blonde in the other. Dwalin suffers from nightmares. Has since he was a child really. Anyway, when he started flinching and flailing, the little blonde, Fili is his name, he woke up and shuffled over into bed with Dwalin. ‘

Balin chuckles good naturedly and continues. ‘I KNEW Dwalin had begun a relationship with someone special. From the way he got all glowy and smushy when he spoke about his new love interest, but my brother failed to inform me that his little bloke, that is what he calls Fili by the way. That his little bloke was SO much younger than himself AND was Thorin’s nephew. I gather Thorin gave him that black eye after he learned of their on-going affair. ‘

‘It looks as if Dwalin gave as good as he got. Have you seen Thorin’s nose?’ 

‘Aye, I agree, I agree!’ 

‘Uh, speaking of Thorin…why is he in bed with me?’ Thranduil cannot help the blush that rises up his cheeks when he says the words aloud. 

‘Oh that, they were going to put you in the room across the hall, next to Bofur, but when Thorin saw that Fili’s bed was empty, what with him with Dwalin and all, he had the nurse put you in here and he just crawled into your bed with you. Oh and the seal? He got brought up by another chap. Said they fixed his flipper while the seal was sedated. You know, with the pins or screws. Said the bandages could come off in a few days.’ Balin smiles and folds his hands in front of him like some school matron who had just finished giving a recitation.

‘Good to know. Truly…I had no idea WHAT had happened.’ 

‘Go back to sleep, I’m sure there will be more to go over in the morning.’ 

Thranduil nods and settles back down next to Thorin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who are still reading...both of you. Hehehe, it sure seems very few folks are still reading, but to those of you are still here, Thank You! I cannot tell you how much it means to me to hear that you are are enjoying this silly fic. I hope to wrap this up with one more chapter.


	31. SCREAMS sexual deviant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin wakes up and enjoys some of Bombur's doughnuts and Balin's coffee in the morning. Dwalin also wakes up to find Kili on the floor and Thranduil in the other bed. He enjoys giving Thorin some ribbing.

Thorin awakes to the smell of strong coffee. Ah, what a lovely smell, indeed. And something else…doughnuts, pastries? He cracks an eye open to see Dwalin’s older brother, Balin, sitting in the corner chair munching on a doughnut and drinking divine smelling coffee. The early morning light streams in through the open blinds. 

Before he can speak, his stomach growls loudly and Balin takes notice that he is awake. 

‘Would you like one? Or a few perhaps?’ Balin asks merrily. 

Struggling to disentangle himself from Thranduil’s limbs, Thorin nods and smiles back at the white haired, older gentleman. Once he is free from the bed, Thorin moves over to take the proffered cup of steaming coffee Balin poured fresh from a thermos. 

‘It smells wonderful.’ 

‘It is a wonder you can smell at all, lad.’ 

Thorin touches his nose gingerly and nods again. 

‘Is that coffee?’ A voice grumbles from the other bed. 

Apparently Dwalin is also awake, and his eyes land on Balin. 

‘Brother! When.. why are you here? ‘ Dwalin demands. He remembers nothing aside from bringing Fili to the hospital, but after that….

When the large man shifts he can feel the heat and weight of someone pressing tightly up against his side. Looking down he sees the bewitching sight of a slumbering Fili next to him, and he cannot suppress the smile from coming to his stern face. He smooths back the messy hair from Fili’s brow and tucks the blankets more tightly around the blonde. Dwalin looks up to see both his brother and his old friend gazing at him.

‘He has turned you into quite the mother hen, brother.’ Balin teases and Thorin grins at the man’s remark. 

‘Are you going attack me again if I answer in the affirmative?’ Dwalin grouses.

‘No, promise.’ Thorin says, holding up his hands. 

‘Is that coffee?’ Dwalin repeats as he sees the cup in Thorin’s hand. 

‘Aye, and there are doughnuts. The man in the room across the hall, Bofur, I believe, HIS brother, Bomubr, is a baker and brought some fresh doughnuts. ‘Balin supplies. 

‘Bless him! Nothing better than hot coffee and doughnuts in the morning.’ Dwalin responds enthusiastically to the offer. When he moves out bed, he spies the seal on the floor and freezes. 

‘What the fuck is THAT doing here?’ He growls and moves back to Fili’s side. 

‘Peace, Dwalin! He is not dangerous, just confused and a tad misguided. And he got enough sedatives and pain medicine to drop an elephant. They had to do use internal fixation to repair his broken flipper.’ Thorin tries to reassure his friend.

‘Oh, I hate it for him.’ Dwalin snarks. ‘Mayhap he will RECONSIDER when he thinks it is ok to attack innocent folk on the beach, trespass into a person's home, then kidnap, and attempt to MURDER a bloke.’ Dwalin growls, ticking off the points on his fingers. 

Thorin laughs outright. ‘I agree, and I think he has a much better understanding of humans now. He will have to go to SeaSidw R&R center for awhile.’

‘Soooooo, you got in touch with tall, blonde, and somewhat douchey?’ Dwalin asks suddenly thoroughly interested. 

‘God, you are such a gossip hound!’ Thorin protests, but he indicates with his head in the direction of where Thranduil lies fast asleep. A small, self-satisfied smile plays across Thorin’s lips. 

Dwalin’s head jerks again and he snorts when he sees Thranduil. ‘YOU are the hound….already got him back in bed?’ 

‘We’ve gotten things sorted.’ Thorin replies, slightly embarrassed. 

‘Oh, have you now? What about Lenogas, Fegolas…whatever his rent boy’s name was.’ Dwalin asks, he is not really terribly interested anymore as he digs into the coffee and doughnuts.

‘Oh that…turns out he was a sea lion.’ 

‘Uh…ok? Always figured him for a freak, you know. That hair with those eyebrows… SCREAMS sexual deviant.’ 

Thorin throws a doughnut at Dwalin, who catches it in mid air and stuffs the entire thing into his laughing mouth.


	32. That is MISTER Dwalin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter. Final wrap up.

It is Dr Oin and his brother Gloin who come up mid morning to discharge Fili, Dwalin, Thranduil, and Bofur. Of course, Bofur, Bifur, and Bombur had made their way into the room from across the hall to chat and laugh about the utter absurdity of the prior night. 

Kili had awoken briefly and the first person he had laid eyes on was Dwalin. He had started to apologize to the large man for the misunderstanding last night, but with the sedatives and pain medicine on board, he was unintelligible, even to Thorin and Thranduil. Finally the pair of marine biologist haD been able to coax out a few coherent words from the garbled ramblings of the seal. 

‘I THINK he wants to apologize to you, Dwalin.’ Thorin sighs. 

‘Tell him, that is MISTER Dwalin.’ Dwalin says firmly but not unkindly. 

Thankfully, Ori had come in right afterwards to administer another hefty dose of pain medication to Kili so that the seal had fallen back into a heavy sleep. 

Thranduil’s two odd ball assistants, a tall man with a grey beard, dressed entirely in grey with a grey beanie on his head and a small man with huge feet and a rather flustered nature, Gandalf and Bilbo as Thranduil had introduced them, had arrived shortly afterwards to collect the seal to transport him to the SeaSide Rescue and Rehabilitation Center. The two bickered a bit back and forth, but eventually got the seal onto a gurney. It is at this point that Dr. Oin and Gloin appear in the doorway.

‘For Christ’s sake, take him out through the morgue, please.’ Dr Oin says sternly. ‘I don’t need someone seeing a seal being pushed out the front door on a hospital gurney.’ 

‘Yeah, that is a good idea, you know, in case that red sea lion is still lurking about.’ Gloin adds. ‘The other one, the one with the blue eyes, that one got out of here before everything went to hell, but that the red one…that one was…’

‘A bit unhinged, delusional….’ Thranduil pipes up. 

‘Aye.’ Both Gloin and Thorin answer together. 

Gloin gestures to Thorin. ‘From overhearing the one-sided conversation Dr. Doolittle was having with the animal, it seems like he thought the seal here had died or something. That sea lion was really broken up about it, I tell you!’ 

‘It is a she, a female sea lion…you spoke to her?’ Thranduil asks Thorin for clarification. 

All eyes in the room move to Thorin. 

‘Ah…yes, I spoke to her,uh… Towelrail, I presume?’ 

Thranduil nods to affirm Thorin’s presumption that the red furred sea lion was indeed Towelrail. 

‘Well, after Kili inadvertently got a dose of sedatives and went limp during the melee down in x-ray, the sea lion kind of lost it. She flopped over him, crying….She said she loved him because she was willing to die for him. I felt compelled to tell her that she might be confusing the definition of love with that of fanaticism, but to no avail. She was quite sure in what constituted love. Kept going on about if this was love, she didn’t want it, take it from her, whatever the hell THAT was supposed to mean. Wailing about wanting to bury the seal, yadi, yadi, yadi…. The whole exchange was a little surreal.’ Thorin looks around at the many faces in the room.

‘You think?’ Bifur sighs. ‘The whole damn night was surreal.’

‘I did convince her to go back to the sea. That we would take care of the seal. I tried to reassure her that ANYONE could tell that her love for the seal was real. Didn’t tell her she was wrong about him being dead. Figured she would not listen anyway. I just wanted her to leave.’ 

‘You can say that again!.’ Dwalin barks loudly and laughs. 

‘But the seal will be taken care of at the center, yeah?’ Fili asks. 

‘Yes, he will be rehabilitated. You can come visit him there if you'd like.'

'Sure! I bet he would like some company. You know, until he is fit to be released.'

‘Far, far away?’ Dwalin asks hopefully. 

‘Yes, I think that would be best for all parties.’ Thranduil answers, smiling. 

'Hang on a minute!' Fili protests. 'He is just lonely. Can't be easy to be accepted by other seals when you look NOTHING like a seal, yeah? If he wants to stay around here, then let him.' The blonde implores.

'You may have a point there, Fili. Could explain why he behaves so oddly...we'll see once he is properly healed and reevaluate things from there.' Thranduil reasons. 

Fili flashes his dimpled smile, and Dwalin mutters 'Fantastic' under his breath. 

Thorin goes over to Fili and Dwalin. ‘I have to apologize to you both for overreacting. I ought not to have gotten so worked up about…your relationship. AND…I would like to give you my…I hate to the use the word permission…my blessing? If you would like to move in with Dwalin. ‘

‘You mean, Mr Dwalin?’ Balin laughs, teasing his younger brother. 

‘Very funny, brother.’ Dwalin grumbles, but Fili only beams and whispers something, very likely, something very naughty into the big man’s ear. 

‘Ok, you lot…please could you all make your way out of my hospital now? If you ever find yourselves in need of medical attention again in the future, there is a lovely hospital across town.’ Dr Oin says, only half joking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope folks have enjoyed this ludicrous story. I have THOROUGHLY enjoyed writing it. Thank all of you who have commented and given me kudos. It means more than you will ever know to me that you took the time to write a comment or to leave kudos. You are the best!


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